i cherish the revolting thought,that even if i quit,there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop.
i’ve wanted to cry all day.
i am filled with a melancholy that i can not attribute to anything specific.
i can feel the sadness. it sits in my chest. it wells in my throat. it pools behind my eyes.
i feel fragile. i am fragile.
i rarely let that fact be known. i would not strike most people as fragile.
my sharp tongue and fierce self preservation fend off that accusation.
i would more likely be described as strong.
people tend to think of me as strong.
i survive.
i will get you through.
well,
let’s be brutally honest, i am barely getting me through.
i am, in truth, far better at navigating a safe path for others. my own route remains unknown. unfathomable.
i have reduced the frequency of the assualts on my flesh, but i can’t stop.
this reduction is, i fear,temporary. that isn’t even true. i don’t fear it’s return. i yearn for it.
i long for the day when i can slice myself up with impunity.
i’ve wanted to cry all day.
i am more accustomed to shedding my grief in blood.
the tears won’t come.
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