and so it goes

i started writing this blog a year ago,
maybe even longer.
i have failed.

i drifted away from recording my efforts.
i sometimes stopped making those efforts.

i am still cutting.
if anything my self harm has escalated
i have reached new heights of self abuse.

i am controlled by a negative voice inside myself
it wants to see blood
it wants to see my flesh torn open
it wants me to draw my pain on my skin.

i can never disobey for long.

i have also failed to achieve my other objective.
he doesn’t love me.
he likes me,
he wants me,
but he doesn’t love me.

predictably i want more.
i yearn for him,
for the kind of happily ever after that he can’t (won’t ?) provide.
and so it goes…


3 Responses to “and so it goes”

  1. ohbbyitsme Says:

    you are loved. if not by him, if not by anyone, then by yourself. you may self-loathe yourself – as cutting probably portrays – but deep in the darkest dredges of a soul not yet shown, you love yourself. or, maybe, you at least like yourself. if you didn’t, you would not use the words of failure. you would not feel the sinking, harsh feeling of failure. you want better for yourself even if your habits feel oh, so, so very good. you know in the end that part of you likes yourself enough to feel that you’ve failed it. you are loved.

  2. sanabituranima Says:

    *hugs* Please don’t give up trying to give up. Please.

    Are you getting any help to stop?

    I shall pray for you.

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