uncomfortably numb

somethings are so big, so awful, so terrifying that the only way to cope is to shut down my mind.

i’m numb.

people ask if i am ok & i tell that i am.

they ask if they can help & i tell them i can manage.

i do what needs to be done.

i make the calls.

i mediate.

i purchase required items.

i smile.

i say everything will be ok.

i wrap my arms around & hold as tight as i can

i say i love you

and i mean it.

i’d do anything to make it better.

i can’t bare to witness the pain.

i’ve switched off.

every part of my mind that is not immediatly required is on standby.

i can conquer this crisis.

i can apply my war paint.

and when i double bolt my door,

i can crumble.

i can stunt my emotions with

diazepam,

codeine,

zopiclone,

ANYTHING

i can slice into my beleagured flesh.

i can watch my blood drain away the panic.

just,

one more pill

one  more cut

pass out

and

do it all again tomorrow.

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6 Responses to “uncomfortably numb”

  1. *big hugs* from a stranger x

  2. It is very hard to stop self harm. I managed to go three years without it and then crumbled when I got unwell a couple of months ago. One thing I know for sure, the more you do it, the more you want to do it. It is so so hard to stop it. I stopped only because I felt bad seeing how it was effecting my friends. I longed for it for so long after I stopped and then doing it again brought back the urges to continue. I realised how much it upset my husband though and so I am back to not being able to do it or at least trying not to, but it still doesn’t stop the urge. Sometimes I just wish I could but I would have to explain it and I don’t want Andy to feel like he is not adequately enough support for me. I can’t say that to him or he would be very hurt but sometimes I really just wish…
    ~Sarah~

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i hate the pain i inflict on the people who care about me. i feel guilty all the time. i try to keep all my messy crazy to myself as much as possible. 3 yrs is an amazing achievement. you should be so proud of yourself.

  3. mentallygoingbackwards Says:

    This is the way i feel sometimes. I hope there is a day you can look by it all and manage to control the urges to self harm. im taking it a day at a time

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