stuck in moment

i’m drowning


it’s been a very difficult week.


i know anyone would have found it challenging,


but they’d have coped.


 


i pretend to manage


i ploughed through


i acted brave and in control


it’s all fake


 


what lies beneath ?


 


five hours of cutting myself up


              feeling the blood pour


                            watching skin slice  & the gape begin


                                                         opening skin,to flesh, ,to muscle


spraying blood on the bathroom wall


 


i could have stopped at anytime.


there were times when i felt it might be enough,


but i would not allow it to be.


the abuse started in my in my head


i purposely tore myself apart


inside


and


out


 


i left a trail of blood and shame from reception to my a&e cubicle


i was treated with respect by everyone


barr myself.


i left with 18 stitches and  a strong desire to punish myself.


 


now i am left with the GUILT


i have let everyone down


that the are unaware of my betrayal is irrelevant


people need me to be strong


they are relying on me to function


i am pathetic


 

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2 Responses to “stuck in moment”

  1. I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad week which led to the self harm and a trip to A&E. You are not pathetic though, we need ways of coping when things are tough, it’s just unfortunate we’ve learnt a more unhealthy way of doing so with hurting ourselves. Hopefully the coming week will start to look up.
    Take care,
    Cassie x

  2. i love you i love you i love you.

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