stuck in moment

i’m drowning

it’s been a very difficult week.

i know anyone would have found it challenging,

but they’d have coped.


i pretend to manage

i ploughed through

i acted brave and in control

it’s all fake


what lies beneath ?


five hours of cutting myself up

              feeling the blood pour

                            watching skin slice  & the gape begin

                                                         opening skin,to flesh, ,to muscle

spraying blood on the bathroom wall


i could have stopped at anytime.

there were times when i felt it might be enough,

but i would not allow it to be.

the abuse started in my in my head

i purposely tore myself apart





i left a trail of blood and shame from reception to my a&e cubicle

i was treated with respect by everyone

barr myself.

i left with 18 stitches and  a strong desire to punish myself.


now i am left with the GUILT

i have let everyone down

that the are unaware of my betrayal is irrelevant

people need me to be strong

they are relying on me to function

i am pathetic



2 Responses to “stuck in moment”

  1. I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad week which led to the self harm and a trip to A&E. You are not pathetic though, we need ways of coping when things are tough, it’s just unfortunate we’ve learnt a more unhealthy way of doing so with hurting ourselves. Hopefully the coming week will start to look up.
    Take care,
    Cassie x

  2. i love you i love you i love you.

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