tangled up in blue

the feeling is back.

my unnamed bleak mood

it drops slowly

but i can’t halt the descent.

it’s a nagging an unease

a feeling that “something” is wrong

i search my mind

i try to be logical

but i can never locate the exact worry.

i tell myself there is nothing to be frightened of.

and, yet, i am scared,

anxious

i really need to talk to someone,

but i wouldn’t know what to say.

i really want to cry,

but i have no tears.

i had a good day

i don’t understand this plummet

i have no control.

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15 Responses to “tangled up in blue”

  1. I feel exactly the same as you at the moment hun, I don’t understand why a week or so ago I was smiling and happy and this week has been non stop hurting myself and the lowest thoughts ever. You aren’t alone and I’m sending you hugs cos it is just horrible to feel like this xx

  2. hypomanicgirl Says:

    We all go through the plummets that feel like the moon is falling. Just try and self soothe in another way. I try and take myself to a movie or write or read or meet with a friend. The other night I had to call a friend and have her remove every sharp object in my house. That’s what it takes for me not to cut. It sounds like you need that too. It means that I cannot cook, I have no utensils but it is a small price to pay to keep the knife from my wrists. Reach out and have someone do the same for you. When the tools are gone you are forced to face the pain, and begin to heal.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i see the sense in getting rid of my blades, but there is no way in the world i could ever do it. i need to know they are there.
      i do try to distract myself, i didn’t cut last night. so, that is a litle victory.

  3. Tery M Aldin Says:

    Man, do I know the feeling…

    I tend to stay away from cutting as I faint at the sight of blood (go figure). I tend to harm my self in other ways

  4. hypomanicgirl Says:

    Does a crack addict break the addiction by having the crack around or will it tempt them further? Cutting is the same thing. Get rid of the blades. They are doing nothing but serving to destroy you further. Just my opinion.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      a crack addict can’t quit until they are ready. neither can i. cutting is a not the problem, it’s a symptom of the problem. i am trying really hard to deal with the underlying issues and in doing so, free myself from my blades.
      nothing is black and white. i’ve been living in the greys for a long time.

  5. ^ easier said than done.
    give up my safety net? no thank you. not nearly ready for that yet.

  6. hypomanicgirl Says:

    I’m a cutter too and you’re absolutely right it’s the symptom and not the problem. But it is also an addiction. The only way I finally broke the cycle was a month stay in a hospital, committing to taking a medication routine that was right for me, and working with my therapist and group therapy every week. But that doesn’t make the urge to cut magically disappear. We are addicts and will always have that comfort their to self soothe us and be a quick fix for the fucked up feelings we feel especially when we feel life is out of control. I got rid of the knives because when you first start to heal its baby steps. I still want to cut everyday because its easier than actually facing my feelings but I can’t and have been 3 months clean. Check out the book “A Bright Red Scream” It might illuminate something for you regarding cutting. And keep fighting. Thanks for your honesty and I am really pulling for you!

    Cheers

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i’ve read that book. i don’t think i need any illumination with regards to my self harm. i am very aware of the why’s. i am in therapy and still trying to find a medication that works for me. hospitalistion is simply not an option for me.
      thank you for concern and comments. i really appreciate them.

  7. It is hard not to beat yourself up for something that you know someone told you never to do. But. This is a big exception. You are self-injuring for a reason and the added abuse of getting angry or feeling shame is exacerbating an existing problem.
    Somehow – through therapy, hopefully, you need to find a way to love yourself. Honor this quest. The pain you feel and the urge to do self-harm is real and can be remedied. In the meantime, it is my opinion that throwing away the implements will only cause more frustration and create an obsession over replacing them.
    Someone who read my blog asked that I put a warning at the top when I was writing about self-injury because it is a trigger for some readers.
    You will be ready one day because you want to rid yourself of this habit. Give yourself time to heal.
    xx kris
    http://www.borderlinefamilies.com

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you for reading and taking the time to reply.
      i understand what you are saying and i am working towards dealing with my problems. in the mean time i will muddle through.

  8. This hurt me just to read – my heart really bleeds for you. I have experienced something similar, although not as severe as all this. But even the small plummets I have are just torture to go through. I hope you’re on the up & up.

    I know it probably doesn’t help, but it does help me so I’ll give it a try – bit of a mantra:

    “This too will pass”

    The more you think about it, you will realise it’s true and it applies to absolutely everything.

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