always some reason,to feel not good enough. . .

i am in a very strange place.

i am trying to extricate myself from any romantic relationship with the man

but i can’t walk away from him completely

i am trying to be his friend.

i know i am doing the right thing,

but it’s hurts.

my heart is fractured

i fear it will soon be smashed.

of course life wouldn’t let me off with just once issue to deal with.

i am trying to cope with some very confusing and hurtful family problems.

i love my family

i can’t bare to see any of them hurting,

but i can not always protect them

there are some things that i can’t make better

i know this,

but i still try

i still turn myself inside out trying to make everyone ok.

and yet,

despite the turmoil,

the depression,

the incredible self-doubt

i have barely been cutting.

i can’t explain this.

my mood had been very low.

some days i have been paralysed by my sorrow.

i have used sleeping pills to obliterate the worst days.

the drive to cut had not surfaced.

until i thought about it

once i actually examined the fact that i hadn’t self harmed, i began to feel very uncomfortable.

why hadn’t i cut  ?

how dare i let myself off so lightly ?

the realization that i hadn’t felt the need to cut terrified me

i had to cut.

i had to know that i still had that control over my body,

had to know that i wasn’t weak,

and so the destructive spiral continues.

blood only produces a desire for more blood,

pain gives birth to pain.

my attempts at recovery are futile,

i am my own worst enemy.

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One Response to “always some reason,to feel not good enough. . .”

  1. sanabituranima Says:

    *hugs*

    You have to kep telling yourself that not cutting is good and that your body deserves to be treated with honour. POlease do not tormnt yourself.

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