blood on my hands to stay strong….

My friend is 6wks pregnant.

She told me tonight.

She has been trying for a while & i am happy for her.

I’m excited.

I want that to be the full extent  of how i feel,

 

But it never is.

 

I’ve been through this quite a few times now.

And it’s always the same.

Happy for them and so very sad for me.

 

Everytime, i wonder, when will it be me ?

Everytime ,i hate myself for being so selfish.

Everytime, i feel this gaping hole at the centre of me

 

I’m losing hope that i will ever be able to fill it.

 

I feel an actual physical pain.

I yearn for all the memories i never got to make

All the tears and smiles i’ve missed.

My heart breaks that my boy never got the chance to call me mummy

I am terrified that no one will ever call me mummy.

 

I feel so incredibly lonely.

i know it’s not the answer

but

the only respite i know is in self destruction

i bleed to survive.

I’ll cut this sadness out.

 

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One Response to “blood on my hands to stay strong….”

  1. jenna Says:

    i felt similarly before i was married and people would tell me they were engaged. i know it’s not the same as your pain, and i’m not saying it is. but i know that feeling of being so jealous for someone else’s happiness and then feeling such guilt over being so selfish. i’m sorry honey. your feelings are valid – both the hurt and jealousy and the joy.

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