i hear you knocking……


i didn’t want to cut tonight.
i had to


i wanted to go to bed.


anxiety crept up on me.

and it brought all its friends.

i can always hear them coming.

the tell-tale whisper of fear alerts me.

i can feel the air around me change.

i’d like to bar their path


like an overly polite host,i welcome them in.

i allow them to commandeer my thoughts

i let their toxic questions echo in my head.

i tell them to make themselves at home


i join in

i finish their nasty sentences

i am under their spell



i can’t go to bed

because my flat is full of hostile emotions

i feel exposed

and in danger.

there is only one way to wrestle back control

i must violently expel  them

i must bleed them out.

so, you see

i didn’t want to cut tonight



5 Responses to “i hear you knocking……”

  1. jenna Says:

    you are an amazing writer. i wish you didn’t have to write about such sad things, but i have to say you are am amazing writer.

  2. I’ve been keeping up with your blog for quite some time and wanted to comment on this post.

    Recently, I’ve been in the cuckoo’s nest (outpatient psychiatric hospitalization) and yesterday one of the therapists said something that really stuck with me. He said that when people knock on our house door we have the choice to let them in or not. If it’s the pizza guy, we let him in and get our pizza. If it’s a nice friend, we let them in. If it’s someone with a gun or who looks dangerous, we don’t let them in.

    In the same way, think about this…would you leave your windows and doors open in the middle of the night with all of your lights on in the hot, humid summertime? Probably not because if you did bugs would be flying in, it would be hot and uncomfortable. For this reason we shut our doors, we shut our windows, we filter our houses from these things.

    We also filter e-mail and phone calls. Sometimes you may not pick up the phone or read every e-mail you receive.

    So, with all of that being said and thinking about how we filter and protect our house door from strangers, why can’t we do the same thing with the emotions that come into our mind?

    Our brain will process thoughts that lead to emotion. That is what it’s supposed to do. Sometimes the emotion is a good one and it’s like a nice friend visiting and when it happens open the door wide and let it in. If it’s a negative thought that produces a negative emotion, then we should shut that door and not let it in our brains to ruminate and visit for too long.

    Yes, emotions (good and bad) will visit and it’s our choice to welcome them or not.

    I hope I’m articulating what I learned. I’m new at this healing process myself and just wanted to share this with you.


    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you so much for taking the time to read & reply.

      you have articulated what you;’re learning very well. i am actually learning similar things in cbt. i am trying to put them into practise, but i find that my mind really doesn’t want to me to be kind to myself. it’s something i am ahving to work at. i hope we both succeed in learning this lesson.

  3. Me too! 🙂 It’s so easy to be kind to others and miserable with ourselves. We need to use our “wise mind” and treat ourselves like we treat the outside world.

    We are in the journey together. You are not alone.


    We WILL make it!


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