do you remember the first time ……..


well, do you ?


i can’t.

try as i might, i have no recollection of the first time i self harmed.

i know roughly the period of my life that it began,

but i can not recollect the first time i thought the amswer was to hurt myself.

i can’t even remember the first time i realised something was really wrong.

i don’t know when i recognised that i ahd tipped from being unhappy to being ill.

i have this need to know.

why did it occur to me to seek relief though pain ?

is there something in the mind of self harmers that leads us to it ?

or is hidden deep inside us all,

but only some experience something that uncovers it ?

it bothers me that i don’t have the answers.

i feel that i could understand myself better if i knew how this started.

so, do you remember ?

do you know what made you make that first cut ?


11 Responses to “do you remember the first time ……..”

  1. Nice post! I can share the feeling as myself I go for more radical means where I actually put the rope around my neck! I bet you it is the similar feelings though.

    Hang in there!

  2. I do not harm my self, but can relate to that anyway.
    The day I realized that no matter what I do I could never be happy unless…I break.
    Same as you,I looked for understanding, answers, I tried to ‘sort it out’ my addiction. That never worked. There is no such thing as ‘solution’ for me , and maybe for you, at least not a definitive one.

    Abandonment, trust, it’s the only thing that shines hopes to my life today.

    Thanks to share with us. Why answers are always in the bottom of our hearts?


  3. My psychologist asked me that same question last session, about the first time I cut. And like you, I can’t really remember what happened all those years ago exactly.

    BtF x

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      it’s interesting that the people who have replied don’t have a clear memory of the first time. i am now wondering if that is common.
      thanks for reading.

  4. jenna Says:

    you know the funny thing? i was going to answer that i remember the first time vividly. i remember where i was, what i used. i remember where on my body – stil have the scar. but what i can’t remember for the life of me is *why*. what got me so upset while driving my car that i had to pull over into a grocery store parking lot and franticaly root through my purse for manicure scissors, knowing that screaming or punching or clenching my fists wasn’t going to be enough this time to make the feeling go away? i have no idea.

  5. In my opinion, is not always good to dig for repressed memories. There was a reason for put them away.

    Once I found one, digging, it popped out in front of me, and it was horrible, worst that the original experience. I wish I would have never recover that memory.

    I suspect still there is more, but , do I want to find out that I was raped or molested as a kid? what if was one relative, even a beloved one?
    I opt out, what is repressed may stay there, thanks.

    Mother nature, even on us, her wicked sub-products, still exert her wisdom.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i know what was causing me detress. i have nothing to fear from that. there are no secrets lurking in my memory. it’s more that i don’t understand why i thought harming myself would help.
      thanks for replying.

  6. I remember the first time I scratched my skin off and put something in it to make it burn, and I remember the the first time I burned myself with a cigarette but I can’t remember the first time I cut or any of the other means I’ve used to hurt myself.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thanks for reading & sharing your experiece. i am becoming a bit fiaxted on this now, i think i will discuss it with my therapist.xx

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