memories seep from my veins….

 

when i think about slicing into an arlready open wound,

i feel slighty sick.

my stomach  flutters horribly.

and yet,

when i do it,

i am calm.

watching the skin split wider,

my blade tear through another layer,

i am merely fascinated.

the deeper the shade of my blood,

the deeper the wound,

the more satisfied i become.

i can see the blue nestling in the corner of my current effort,

a vein presenting it self to me.

should i venture on ?

i don’t know how significant the vein  is.

i can’t tell for sure how much further down lies.

the body can be deceptive.

i know i would like the blood.

the fast, pulsing, unstoppable flow.

but i can’t calculate the consequences.

can i move fast enough, if action is required ,

or will i be mesmerized by rush of pure red relief ?

i know even as i contemplate it,

that cutting further is selfish.

it’s stupid.

but

i want to cleanse myself of these feelings.

i’m delaying making the decision.

i’m writing this

&

watching the blood.

the urge is getting stronger.

i can’t let myself off easily.

this is what i need.

this is who i am.

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7 Responses to “memories seep from my veins….”

  1. Dear friend, this is not who you are, this is just your decease. There is despair and pain, I know, but many of us had walk this road before, and we can tell you that there is light ahead. Don’t look back and keep walking.

  2. Its heartbreaking how many of us relate to this.

  3. You are a very passionate and captivating writer. I do hope you find some peace with the beast inside you. Don’t let it win … you deserve more.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      it means so much to me when people appreciate my writing.thank for taking the time to read & comment.

  4. Wow. This is powerful. And gut-wrenching. “Rush of pure red relief” is very poignant. I have never cut, but I have done other forms of self-harm, including scratching. So, I can relate somewhat.

    I know it may be hard to believe, but processing the feelings (which, I admit, can be excruciating at times) ends up brining more relief for me. And it helps me get over the guilt. I know it’s hard. I do know this. I wish you peace. Take gentle care.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you for taking the time to read & reply. it means a lot to me.
      i hope i can reach a point were i can find a gentler way to deal with my emotions.xx

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