do you think you’re crazy ………

 hair needs washed.

 

wash it now

 

or wait until morning ?

 

shower

 

bath ?

why does it matter ?

 wash damn hair

 

or i could just cut.

 

then i would feel calmer

 

&

 

i could make the hair decision.

 

no

 

no cutting.

 

i am not supposed to lose any blood.

 

i have no energy to go to a&e.

 

i’m already in pain

 

i’m exhausted

 

just wash my hair

 

legs are stubbly

 

shave me legs

 

shower, then.

 

then i’d have to blow dry hair before bed.

 

wait until morning

stop stressing

 

hate being in a rush in the mornings

 

i have a lot on tomorrow

i have time for a shower

i can handle having a fucking shower

 

why can’t my hair just wash itself ?

 

cut

 

it’s been days

 

then i could get things done

 

it would take the edge off

 

but

 

it will take such a long time

 

make such a mess

 

i might be sick again

calm down

 

take a sleeping pill

 

go to bed

 

deal with the hair in the morning.

 

i feel grubby

 

don’t want to go to bed dirty

 

a hot bath would feel good.

 

cutting would feel better.

 

it would stop everything for a little while.

 

a little while would be enough

 

a small cut would been enough

 

it’s never enough.

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8 Responses to “do you think you’re crazy ………”

  1. god this describes so many nights of my life so well! had that conversation with myself many a time. identicle. You dont need to cut. Washing/blowdrying might tire you out a bit and help you sleep? or just go to bed, saves you thinking it over. I hope you feel better tomorrow\! xxxx

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i can’t believe other people get this.
      i hope tonight is a good night for you.

  2. Snap! Spend many nights like this then eventually make it to the bath, shave my legs and cut myself whilst doing it and it hurts and I get annoyed at myself for being clumsy. Who said mentalism had to make sense?!

    Hope you can have a bath and treat yourself well.

    Xxx

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      so many people know what i am talking about. i thought i was the only one !

  3. Maggie Riley Says:

    Wow, I know that discussion about washing your hair, I end up not washing for days as the decision is just too big to make

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      it’s the same thought process for every single timy decision in my life. what should i have dinner, should i watch a movie, answer the phone or not , what should i wear ? & on & on & on it goes.
      it honestly thought this craziness only happened in my head. no one ever talks about it !
      i’m sorry you’re experiencing it too.

  4. Thatwierdkidwhocuts Says:

    I can relate to you so well, this is like a template for the argument I have with myself every night. Only sometimes its with having something to eat, doing homework, or just doing something that needs doing. I have self harmed since about october I think, and I’m getting worse, cutting deeper, pressing harder, craving more pain, more blood, Falling further into the pit of empty numbness that is depression. I really empathise you.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      First of thanks for reading & commenting. Second, ( & more importantly) I am so sorry you’re going through this. Do you have any support ? Are you seeing any professionals ? I don’t want to be preachy because I know how hard it is, but I can’t emphasise how important it is to get help as quickly as possible. Self harm can escalate so fast & is habit forming. I really don’t want you to sink too deep into this hole. If I can be of any help to you please feel free to email me. Keep talking about it & please try to be kind to yourself. Xx

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