the first cut is the deepest ……..

 

i was 19 years old when i began to hurt myself

 

i didn’t recognise or consider it self harm at the at time.

 

i would have been familiar of the term

 

my mum worked in mental health

 

so, it’s something i would have been aware of

 

just not something i applied to myself.

 

i do not know my thought process the first time

 

i know i was in a lot of pain

 

i was stuck in an emtionally abusive relationship

 

i had just miscarried

 

my so called significant other wouldn’t even take me to the hospital when i began to bleed heavily

 

he went to the student union to play pool & have pint.

 

i think that gives a fairly good insight into our relationship.

 

i was trying so hard to be ok

 

i sat & passed my exams at uni.

 

i actually did really well

 

i tried to fool everyone that i was coping

 

i tried to hide how bad things were at home

 

i was working to pay all the bills

 

whilst he spent his money on drugs ,booze

 

and generally having fun

 

i loved him

 

i was addicted to him

 

my life revolved around him

 

i was trapped

 

because

 

i couldn’t leave him

 

&

 

he knew it.

 

he wouldn’t let me talk about our baby

 

he was glad he died

 

he didn’t want anything to do with pregnancy

 

the miscarriage was a huge relief for him.

 

everything was so wrong

 

i was so scared

 

heartbroken

 

alone

 

i can understand being desperate

 

i didn’t want to admit i’d failed

 

all those people who told me we were too young

 

or he wasn’t right for me

 

were correct

 

he was killing me

 

but

 

i had already lost so much

 

i would never hold my son

 

never kiss him goodnight

 

i had failed at the most important task i had ever been entrusted with.

 

i couldn’t keep him safe

 

i just couldn’t bear to lose anything else.

 

i clung on hoping things would change

 

hoping he might one day love me enough

 

or at all

 

i don’t know when the thought crept into my head

 

i don’t know how i knew it would soothe me

 

maybe i just wanted help

 

perhaps i thought he would see how much pain i was in

 

there is a chance i could have been punnishing myself.

 

i don’t know

 

i do know that once i started,

 

i couldn’t stop.

 

i had found something to get me through the days

 

it could be argued that self harm kept me alive

 

the only thing i know for sure is that i would give anything to know then what i know now.

 

i wish i had known where this would lead

 

i wish i knew what i would become.

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4 Responses to “the first cut is the deepest ……..”

  1. You must have been distraught, no wonder you turned to self harm. It must have be the only thing that felt real… and once we start it is soooo hard to stop. But you can. I hope you find peace xx

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you taking the time to read & comment.
      you kind words mean a lot to me.

  2. jenna Says:

    i am so proud of you for writing this. i know it hurts to go back to that time, that place you were in, but it can be helpful. keep doing the work, slow and steady. love you.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      you’re right it’s hard, but i have got to process it. i have to find a way to let the past go and be at peace with it. i can’t change it no matter how much i want to. thanks for all your support.xx

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