the first cut is the deepest ……..


i was 19 years old when i began to hurt myself


i didn’t recognise or consider it self harm at the at time.


i would have been familiar of the term


my mum worked in mental health


so, it’s something i would have been aware of


just not something i applied to myself.


i do not know my thought process the first time


i know i was in a lot of pain


i was stuck in an emtionally abusive relationship


i had just miscarried


my so called significant other wouldn’t even take me to the hospital when i began to bleed heavily


he went to the student union to play pool & have pint.


i think that gives a fairly good insight into our relationship.


i was trying so hard to be ok


i sat & passed my exams at uni.


i actually did really well


i tried to fool everyone that i was coping


i tried to hide how bad things were at home


i was working to pay all the bills


whilst he spent his money on drugs ,booze


and generally having fun


i loved him


i was addicted to him


my life revolved around him


i was trapped




i couldn’t leave him




he knew it.


he wouldn’t let me talk about our baby


he was glad he died


he didn’t want anything to do with pregnancy


the miscarriage was a huge relief for him.


everything was so wrong


i was so scared






i can understand being desperate


i didn’t want to admit i’d failed


all those people who told me we were too young


or he wasn’t right for me


were correct


he was killing me




i had already lost so much


i would never hold my son


never kiss him goodnight


i had failed at the most important task i had ever been entrusted with.


i couldn’t keep him safe


i just couldn’t bear to lose anything else.


i clung on hoping things would change


hoping he might one day love me enough


or at all


i don’t know when the thought crept into my head


i don’t know how i knew it would soothe me


maybe i just wanted help


perhaps i thought he would see how much pain i was in


there is a chance i could have been punnishing myself.


i don’t know


i do know that once i started,


i couldn’t stop.


i had found something to get me through the days


it could be argued that self harm kept me alive


the only thing i know for sure is that i would give anything to know then what i know now.


i wish i had known where this would lead


i wish i knew what i would become.


4 Responses to “the first cut is the deepest ……..”

  1. You must have been distraught, no wonder you turned to self harm. It must have be the only thing that felt real… and once we start it is soooo hard to stop. But you can. I hope you find peace xx

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you taking the time to read & comment.
      you kind words mean a lot to me.

  2. jenna Says:

    i am so proud of you for writing this. i know it hurts to go back to that time, that place you were in, but it can be helpful. keep doing the work, slow and steady. love you.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      you’re right it’s hard, but i have got to process it. i have to find a way to let the past go and be at peace with it. i can’t change it no matter how much i want to. thanks for all your support.xx

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