you do it to yourself…..

i appear to a have a gift for self destruction.

 i have already explored more than enough avenues of self abuse

 and

 yet

 i find myself creating opportunities to hurt myself

 what’s more,

 feeling a sense of smug satisfaction that i have so much power

 sick

 i know.

 

 it doesn’t stop me

 i hate myself

 i am so tired of being me

 inflicting more damage on my body is incredibly stupid

 i am aware of that

 and

 i hate myself for that too.

 

 no matter how bad life treats me,

 i just have to go one better

 you would think i would fight against my bad luck

that, i’d meet illness with rest

 trauma with kindness

 sadness with comfort

 tradegy with compassion

 perhaps

 normal people do

 my response is a tad more savage.

 i can not tolerate these emotions

 i can not process anymore awful events

 i feel responsible even when i am not

i live in a constant spiral of guilt

 and

 so

 i stick the boot in

 i punish myself

 i create another emotion

another sensation

 another crisis

one that i can control

and

manage

 

of course i am deceiving myself.

 i lost control a very long time ago

 i go too far

 i never know if i can manage the outcome

 i never know the long

or

short term risks

one more reason to dislike me.

 

 i am trouble

 a pathetic burden to professionals

 and

personnels

 

 i’m sick in body and mind

 no one knows how to cure me

 least of all me.

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4 Responses to “you do it to yourself…..”

  1. Wow. Sadly this is something I have felt many a time. You can know on one level that. Self destruction is pointless and ridiculous. On the other side, its all you know. 😦 I really hope things get better for you. X

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      it’s sad that so many people relate. i hope your days are feeling brighter.
      thanks for reading

  2. I’m sorry you resort to self-harm as a way of coping. I can relate though to the fake sense of control. I hope you feel better and are able to fight the self-harm someday.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you for taking the time to read & reply. i’m sorry you’ve had similar experiences.

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