beautiful, beautiful,beautiful boy …..

dear baby,

yesterday would have been your 11th birthday. i can hardly believe that is possible. i find myself wondering what we would be doing now. you would be starting secondary school. i can’t help think about which school that would be. i wonder if you would look like me. would you love your weird hippie mum or would i be an embarrassment. i wouldn’t mind either way. i’ll always love you. those are just a tiny sample of the millions of questions i have about you. i’m always imagining the life we didn’t get to live together. all the landmarks we’ve never reached and the everyday life we missed. 

i’m trying to learn how to remember you and still live this life that i have. i am trying to grieve for you. to feel sad, but not overwhelmed by your loss. i need you to know that i won’t ever leave you behind. you will always be part of my life. i will always be your mum. i hope i can find a way to cherish your short life and be at peace with you being gone. i want to live a better life. i’d like to be someone you can be proud of.

love always

mum

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8 Responses to “beautiful, beautiful,beautiful boy …..”

  1. Lynda Says:

    ‘i’d like to be someone you can be proud of.’ i bet you are someone who he is proud of. in fact i am sure of it.i wish i could help with this. but know that i am thinking of you lots, and sending you lots of love.

    Lyn Xxxx

  2. how beautiful but also sad, you wouldve been a fab mum to ur baby xxxxxxx

  3. I have angel babies too. The oldest would be 18. The next oldest would be 12. There are 9 angels and one living. My living boy is 13. I am blessed to have him and I am thankful beyond words but I miss my babies too. That never goes away.

    I will say that I am sure that your boy would be very proud of you. My heart breaks for those days and years that you did not get to have.

    I still, in that time just between sleep and awake, see my babies and the life we would have had.

  4. What beautiful words….I have some how missed reading your blog but Im now follwoing! You are a wonderful person and Im sure you would have made a fantastic mummy x x x Lots of Love

  5. This really touched me! I hope one day to have the strength to write something similar!

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