say what you mean to say….

i had to have another transfusion.
and
it made me think about my strategies for coping
with
other’s view of me

i try to hide my shame
if people knew
just how revolting i feel about
neeeding
&
using
that generously donated blood
i would become an easy target.

they wouldn’t hide their revulsion
as i would have given them a signal
that
they
were
right

a huge part of me believes that are correct
i didn’t deserve it
i am selfish

that doesn’t mean i am brave enough to face their judgement
head
on
self preservation kicks in
i don’t want to be publicly censured

even though
i
know
i am not worth the comapssion of others.

i try to get in there first
i will insult myself
say what i am sure they must be thinking

or i’ll blazen it out
if i act in control
people are more likely to treat me
less
like
a
nutter

there is a little voice
that
screams
you are ill
you don’t want this
but
i don’t hear her

i don’t want to feel constantly
guilty
& ashamred

but my attempts not to
backfire

i try not to be ashamed of my scars
i don’t always hide them
i’ve even used pictures to illustrate this blog

i am critised for it
it’s showboating
attention seeking

if i talk honestly
and
show you what my life
and
body
are truely like
you reject me

my defense
garners more scorn

if i let my weakness show
i am ripe for attack

i don’t know how to protect myself

i don’t want to be ashamed
but
every single outside opinion
tells me i should be

my vicious circle continues
i feel
battered
by my own “community”
yet
i suspect admitting this
will be frowned upon.

as pathetic as it sounds
i think i just need a little validation
none is forthcoming.

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6 Responses to “say what you mean to say….”

  1. I will not reject you.

    Look on the bright side. Cutting is a more generous coping strategy than bullying other people. I think you are projecting your own shame onto others. Many others will have com-passion: feeling With you, because we feel the same way, even if not so intensely.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you for reading & commenting. it is nice to know that there are people who will try to see things from my point view. thanks again.

  2. jenna Says:

    you are wrong. i will almost never tell you that, but this time missy, you are wrong! 🙂 everyone doesn’t think you are selfish for getting blood. there *are* compassionate people out there. i wish you could come in contact with more of them. just please know they are out there. and as far as showing your scars goes – “every single opinion” doesn’t show you you should be ashamed. ask me what i see when i see scars – a history, a story, a tale of pain that is to be met with compassion. i see the same things i am trying to tell the world when i don’t hide mine – “i hurt sometimes. i have hurt. i am not perfect. i sometimes need help and this is how i find it. this is where i have been. this is my story.” i look at you and i say “i see your story. i acknowledge your pain. i validate your hurt. and i love you.”
    j

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      it’s something i ahve been experienceing from unexpected quarters. i can handle it (ish) from outsiders, but is harder to take from folks who have dealt with some of this themselves. no one you know & i know you would never judge me. you are always more wonderful & compassionate than i deserve. i love you.xx

  3. Most of our pain goes unvalidated…which inevitably makes it hurt worse. the stigma attached to any mental illness exists in society, medical profession and even other suffers. I personally believe some ppl just can’t see past their own pain in order to recognize someone else. Fortunately there are still some in this world compassionate enough to care. For me, I endured so much pain alone (before blogs and twitter lol) writing was my only release. Writing something with no one to read it, felt empty…. writing it provided me with great relief…however eventually I required validation. If not for my writing but for my feelings. So much pain and no one to tell or share it with. Cutting was always my way of feeling SOMETHING…. Writing and cutting were my only two private releases. Then came time to explain new cuts, old scars….whatever~ I always thought, well if u read my writing u would understand the hell I go through!” And still….i remain simply crazy. The world of blogs, fb and twitter allows us to share with the world our feelings! People will STILL judge….but more people than we ever thought possible hears (reads) our thoughts feelings and pain. You are already succeeding in life by vouching your life. From now til the end of time….your words, your life is being heard and understood. At least by one person (the only one I can speak for) I have written and shared so much in the last few years….the few people my writing had helped had helped saved me. Though I still suffer, I’ve new learned to survive. It was not because the millions who have rejected me, judged me, hated me….but the select few who have touched my life in some way. keep blogging! You’re such an inspiration ~

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you for reading & replying. writing is such a cathartic excersise, but can also really bring us together. glad to have a new reader.

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