i don’t want you, but i need you…..

it’s hard to write about this
as
i really don’t understand it

my mind seems to have taken over
i no longer “want” to cut
want isn’t the right word
i’ve never wanted to do it
but
more & more
i actively
don’t
want to hurt myself

i’m so tired
it’s getting harder
not more painful
just physically
exhausting
it takes so much out of me

it’s never enough
i can’t attain the same calm
i am always dissatisfied with my work

i’d always been led to believe that i did this because
it worked
that when the balance tipped
and
the negative outweighed the gain
i
would
stop

i think i have reached that point.
i am physically deteriating
and
mentally sinking.

i am not stopping

if anything the comuplsion grows stronger
i can’t stop

my head will not be quiet
there’s no rest
until
i cut

at the moment i am giving myself
every
other
day
off

i feel so guilty.
it is weak to need break
how dare i go so easy on
me

the only thing i gain from slicing myself up
is a temporary end to the battle in my head
i never win
if i don’t hurt
i berate myself
and
if i do
i’ve failed

so, i continue
for the reprieve
the precious silence

i’m beginning to suspect
that i am praying
a high price
for that peace

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2 Responses to “i don’t want you, but i need you…..”

  1. jenna Says:

    such conflicting feelings going on here! do you ever take these writings to your pysch? it sums up the total fucked-up-ness of our world so perfectly. tho, i’m not sure anyone from the outside is capable of ever understanding.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i don’t share this blog with him, but i do discuss most of the stuff i write here. i am seeing him tomorrow & really hope to get into this a bit deeper as it is troubling me.

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