makes me want to give myself a beating….

the last few sessions with my pyschologist have been revealing.
i have admitted things
that i’ve never
voiced
before

i’ve also been confronted with ideas that i had previously rejected.
but
cannnot now discount.

the most troubling of these
is
punnishment
i have always railed against the idea
that i self harm to
punnish
myself
yet, through our recent conversations
i found myself saying things
that are usually kept within my head
and
when i voice them
it is hard to dismiss the facts
i’m doing penance.

i feel i must atone for the sin of
failing
i have fallen far short of my expected reach
i have not fulfilled expectations
my foolish decisions
and
weakness
impact on others

i am not as good a person
as
i should
be

i must make ammends

i deserve what i do to myself
i’ve always known that
i now realise
that
there is a part of me
who believes
i mustn’t be allowed to get away my shortcomings

i am not up to scratch
it is not ok to
allow a man to destory you
to fail your unborn child
to sink into depression
and
let
your life
fall apart

there should be consequences
and until i prove myself worthy
i must exact retribution
upon myself

how do you make something of value from your life
when you consider yourself to be
valueless ?

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4 Responses to “makes me want to give myself a beating….”

  1. I wish I could answer that question. Start looking for value. I see it in your ability to write, reflect on unimaginable pain. You’ll see value too. You’re an incredible woman. ❤

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