a study in scarlett

it’s been a bad day

i’ve been attempting to analyse why

what tips me over into my worst days ?

 

 

i’ve been really nauseous

never helps

stomach has been cramping

chest is very heavy

and my back has been aching

so, i don’t feel good

 

i had some unpleasant words with my sister on sunday

they’re lingering

i didn’t hear from the man

at all

yesterday

that’s festering

money (lack of) is a concern

the huge gnawing kind.

i suppose those things might upset anyone.

 

i fainted

nothing new

but

i really hurt myself

hip & shoulder are now extremely painful

i ruined my glasses

they’re all buckled & scratched

plus

when i came round

i was outside my front door

and

i still have no idea what i was doing there

the confusion

frightens me a little

oh

and i can’t afford new glasses

again, reasons to be out of sorts.

 

i still haven’t heard from the man properly

a few frustrating texts

a bundle of tears

and

i’m angry with myself for getting into this situation.

which

sets me on a negative thought path

i make poor decisions

i am to blame for my place in life

if i was

stronger

smarter

fitter

more selfless

less lazy

i could get on top of this mess

 

but

i’m not

and

i don’t

 

instead, i begin to think i should self harm

i haven’t cut in 6 days

which

is probably part of why i feel so low

i promise myself it doesn’t have to be big

just a little release

a little blood

 

you know the score

you know where that leads

 

i do too,

but it doesn’t stop me.

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