can’t run around, ’cause i’m not free….

increasingly

 i find myself thinking about hospital

 i am terrified of being hospitalised

 i have always felt

that

 if i had to go inpatient

i would have lost 

 

lost the battle

 lost control

lost myself

 

 i do not think i could cope with the reality of a psychiatric ward

 

the practicalities of it

 horrify me

 shared toilets & showers

 sleeping on a ward

 hospital food

 dealing with others all day everyday

 

 but,

 i have coped with those privations

 i’ve had to spend lots of time on medical wards

 i hated it

 i also, survived it.

 

 the emotional impact of a psych admition 

would extract a higher toll

 the concept of not being in

 control

 of my own life

 is too much for me to bare.

 

 the idea that i am entirely incapable

 of functioning

 would destroy me.

 

 i couldn’t deal with being watched

 and evaluated

 submitting to be told

 what i can do

 & when

 would break me

 

 if i had to relinquish that authority

 i.m not sure that i could recover

 

and yet

 i can’t get away from

thoughts of

“the bin”

 

i realise that i take risks

that a stable person would not

 i know that i have impulses 

not conducive to a healthy life

 

does that amount to an

 inability

 to govern myself ?

 

at times i wonder how i have managed to avoid hospital

 i look around me & see people having the option to refuse withdrawn

 individuals that i don’t necessarily consider to be sicker than myself

 sometimes

 even

 those who appear to be much less of a danger to themselves.

 

what is the criteria ?

perhaps i am not that close to the edge

 

 no matter the fear stays with me

 &

 i feel its malevolent presence

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7 Responses to “can’t run around, ’cause i’m not free….”

  1. after seven hospitalizations, i can tell you, that it never gets better. i hated it.

    but i loved it. i loved not having to deal with real life. not having to deal with a job, or paying rent, or deciding what you eat at night. all my decisions made for me. no pressures in that respect.

    sometimes i wish i could go back. forever. to not have to deal with anyone or anything.

    and sometimes it is the scariest idea in the world.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i’m terrified of losing the little control that i have. even though i struggle to do the things you mentioned & the struggle wears me down, i fear surrendering. it feels like a slippy slope. if i stop taking care of thins, i might lose the ability altogether. not sure if that makes any sense, but it just seems like i would have lost.

      • no, that absolutely makes sense. i fear that sometimes. i fear living and i fear dying. i fear trying to take care of myself, and i fear giving up and admitting myself into a hospital.
        each and every day i struggle with that.

        i hope you never reach that point.

        right now, even though it might not feel that way, you are being strong. keep at it. the fact that you are still fighting and haven’t given up makes you strong. 🙂

  2. Going into hospital doesn’t mean that you are entirely incapable of functioning, though I know it must feel that way. It means that you need a bit more intensive support, and you are allowing yourself to have it. Obviously it would be preferable to stay out, but if it does happen, don’t beat yourself up too much about it, sometimes it’s for the best

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i think i know that, but it doesn’t feel that way. stayong out of hospital has always been impertive. i hope i can do it.

  3. leanne higgins Says:

    I have been hospitalised for my various conditions and when the mania got so bad I did I short stay in our local psyche hospital. I wasn’t as bad as others by any means but I could no longer cope with the physical and mental aspects of life. I was lucky and had own room and it helped me greatly. I am not ashamed but I can imagine if your problem is such self loathing not being able to escape and hide would be bad. Stay strong and stay out.

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