try to comprehend that which you’ll never comprehend…..

i had another little crisis

despite transfusion in late december,

haemoglobin had again dropped to 7.6

causing doctor’s to get jumpy

&

start talking about another transfusion

this set me off in a panic

i do not like having blood transfusions

i feel very guilty

other people are more deserving of this blood

that someone selflessly donated

i know i will waste it

i know i will feel horrendous with it inside me

i do not want it.

i don’t really have the option of

saying

no

they will call in a psych consult

which could lead down a road

i can’t

even

think about

my first stupid reaction

is

i must cut

whilst the dr’s decide

i will blood let

i know it doesn’t make sense

to most

but

there is method in the madness

my hb is already low

i may as well be hung for sheep as a lamb

i will hate myself less for shedding my own blood

if i lose enough blood

do enough damage

i may feel sated for a while

with this in mind i set to work

after two disappointing nights

of

slicing

&

producing inadequate wounds

i got angry

with myself

on the third day,

the gp called to say the decided to go with

an iron infusionth e following week

i considered myself free

to

paint the town RED

i felt it couldn’t be that bad

if i didn’t need a transfusion

i had still better fit in as much damage

before treatment

&

truthfully

after two pitiful nights

i needed it

so,

feeling enraged with myself

i set to work

i chose a spot on my slightly less scarred right forearm

i cut vertically

downwards

towards my wrist

everytime i reached a depth i could live with

i elongated the cut

&

started to work down into it again

i got into the most dangerous mindset

where

i can just can’t resist

a little

bit

more

i ploughed through the layers of my flesh

fascinated

with what lay beneath

i watched three distinct fountains of blood

flow into one

sticky

hot

pool

i pulled the wound apart to make the blood spurt higher

i sawed through

some

tough,unknown inner material

and

thrilled

as the spray soared out

and hit my face

when i was finished

i watched

for

i don’t know how long

long enough to become dazed

i had created a a gaping trench

the entire length of my foream

that continuosly filled with blood

and

spilled over the top

i could not stop the blood

nor, could i think straight

i wrapped a towel around my arm

put a huge jumper on top

and

took the bus

yes

the bus

to a&e

i trailed blood into reception

& collapsed in the triage room

i was so ashamed

dreaded trying to explain myself

lay in a cubicle

crying

i had done this many times before

but somehow

i couldn’t control my fear or self loathing.

i received 21 stitches

a transfusion

and

 was hospitlised again for three days

the following week

requiring

another

two units

&

suffering from severe pain

i spent those 3 days in & out of a morphine

induced altered reality

student dr’s were too scared to take blood from my arms

apparently experience is required

to find a vein in this network of scar tissue

the consultant was overly kind

fellow patients

stared & whispered

i lay there in

shame

pain

fear

all of which added up to

another attempt

to stop

11 days

and counting……

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4 Responses to “try to comprehend that which you’ll never comprehend…..”

  1. Dawny Says:

    Now I understand what was going on… Phew

    Long may the ‘stopping’ continue….

    Keep on

    xxxx

  2. leanne higgins Says:

    I actually felt every bit of that. It was moving in its blunt honesty. To feel like this is the only way you can deal must be terrifying. I just wonder, and this is a question you certainly don’t have to answer, but do ever think of suicide or is it all just about releasing your demons through blood letting?

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      Self harm is never about suicide, but I have been suicidal. Drs have said that I could be risking my life with my blood loss, but it doesn’t seem real to me.

  3. Tara Shennan Says:

    11 days is awesome! Well done

    I don’t have many words but I think you’re very brave for sharing this

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