what’s your number ?

another thought provoking therapy session.
I did the voicing thoughts
I am ashamed of thing.
again

whilst telling psychologist about
my last misadventure into self harm
he flinched.

he said the idea of blood spraying on my face was like a scene from a
horror
film

this struck me as over dramatic
&
i said so.

he ventured that if he did a straw poll of the building
most people would be pretty horrified
and
very concerned.

which led to a discussion about my
perception of my self harm

this is often a problem.
i do not think my cutting is
anywhere
near
as bad as others portray it to be

i have seen more severe self injury
much, much
worse.
i know that my own attempts at self destruction
are by no means
extreme

other people’s perception
frustrate me
i feel I am getting credit I do not deserve
(i know there is no merit in self harm, but my mind does not)
it pushes me to go further
and
it feels disrespectful to those who subject themselves to more serious abuse.

my idea of normal is corrupted
i know that
but
i cannot accept that my cutting warrants the concern it garners

my therapist & I talked about how I rated what I do to myself
he suggested we consider it on a scale of 1-100
i put myself around 30.
he did not agree with my assessment

his number uncovered a somewhat bizarre reaction
i was mostly embarrassed.
i have felt this way before
but
never verbalised it

now,
I am left wondering why I feel this way
&
whether or not I can trust his opinion.

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6 Responses to “what’s your number ?”

  1. “I cannot accept that my cutting warrants the concern it garners.”
    For what it’s worth….I agree with your psychologist, and your descriptions sometimes make me flinch…

    I wonder why embarrased too…

    Take care of you
    xxxx

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      embarrased that i ahve made someone feel uncomfortable, that they are giving me more “credit” than i deserve, that i cause concern. i think there is more to it than that. something i need to think over. as for the number, i think he was exagerating the severity.

  2. jenna Says:

    i would give it an 80.

    yes, really.

    and this is pretty much what i said to you the other day, so you can trust your therapist in that a straw poll would probably agree with him. i mean, there’s two of us right there.

    i wish there was a way for you to hear the part of yourself that knows we are speaking the truth. you said you know that there is no merit in cutting, but your mind does not. isn’t there also part of you that knows this is serious, severe, downright SCARY? and i imagine you’ll say, no there isn’t any more. and that’s valid. but then ask yourself isn’t there part of you that knows we don’t lie?? can you hold onto that?

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i trust you. i know you wouldn’t lie to me, but your opinion is not impartial. you care about me. therefore, it seems heightened to you. how could i possibly be 80 ? think of what we know people can & will do to themselves. that’s more than 20% worse than me. it’s more like 70% worse. i don’t know, i really don’t. i am so frustrated with not knowing. with not being able to trust myself, but really feeling that i am right. it’s so tiring. my mood has sunk today & i feel, fuck, i have no way to describe what i feel.

      • jenna Says:

        i’m sorry love.

        if 101 is death, then to me 95 is breaking bones and 90 is H at her worst, and bloodletting is somewhere in there. and love, this last time sounds not too far from that. i wouldn’t say you are at 80 all of the time, no, but this last one? yes, 80.

        please try not to think about it, and please know i’m not saying this to beat you up or say anything negative. i’m not mad at you. you’re not a bad person for cutting so severely. you are sick, and this just is.

        i need your positive vibes for a good outcome for me for my test tomorrow – think about that instead! 🙂

      • doyourememberthattime Says:

        i am thinking good thoughts & will say a prayer for you tongiht. love you xx

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