set me free, why don’t you ?

i managed 19 days without cutting

before i gave in

we discussed the difficulties of this is in therapy

and

i talked a lot about the strongest force

pulling me towards self harm.

 

blood

 

i’ve always known that blood was a huge part of self harm for me

but

a new dimension has been growing

and

i’ve been scared to give voice to it

 

i am not comfortable with the transfusion blood

i want it out

i feel there is too much blood flowing through my veins

the numbers scare me

i find the idea of a healthy haemoglobin

unnatural

i am terrified to discover the results of my next blood test

all these days going by

with no blood loss

makes me feel sick

all those strong new blood cells

will

be generating more

it is horrifying

 

i need to get it out

i need to maintain levels

that won’t cause me constant worry

i do not fully understand why i feel this way

but

it’s compelling

 

i can’t leave my body to it’s own devices

i must take charge

and

expell this oxygenated intruder.

 

there are so many aspects of this

too many competing voices

i can’t appease them all

there will be unpleasantness whichever side i choose

 

the only solution

is to

remove the blood

&

release myself.

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One Response to “set me free, why don’t you ?”

  1. jenna Says:

    i was afraid you’d get to this point. i used to hear so many others say this and it always made me sad, and scared. cuz when you want something out of your body that much, it can make you really scary things. what did your therapist say about this? can you try any behavior modification therapy or something, to try and reprogram your thoughts?
    you are SICK, love. you need blood and you got some. that isn’t a bad thing, and you are no more or less deserving than anyone else.

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