won’t you please,please help me…..

after conducting a small survey with close friends & family members.

i decided my therapist may be correct

i do indeed have an unrealistic perception

of

my situation

 

i am still not entirely won over

but

i’m convinced enough to be

frightened

 

i reviewed lots of the handouts i have received from my psychologist

and thought a great deal about how i could reduce my

self harming

behaviours

 

i wanted to reduce my opportunity

and

my desire

to cut

 

i filled up my week with things i thought i could do

if i really pushed myself

 

i accepted invitations from two close friends

along with already planned time with my little ones

& agreed to look after my brothers dog

 

i kept busy.

i got dressed

i did my hair & applied make up

i ate well

and

attended to much needed housework

i ticked so many of the advised boxes

 

i didn’t want to do most of these things

they were tiring

and

scary

and stressful

but, it’s what i have been encouraged to do.

 

the result ?

 

i feel worse

in every

possible

way

my mind and body are worn out.

interacting with the world has been horrendous

 

i felt close to breaking  last night

i cried for hours

had an episode of vomiting

finally drugged myself to sleep

 

this morning i woke up to the dread of another day

i’ve been on edge

i can’t settle

everything feels wrong

i’m in pain

i feel nauseous

and

utterly exhausted

 

most of all

i am overwhelmingly sad

of course this leads back to my usual destructive tendencies

with all it’s predictable problems

satisfaction is hard to accomplish

and

the calm is brief

 

i simply do not know how to live anymore

neither my own maladaptive

nor

the recommended

supposedly healthy

techniques work

 

i try

i engage in therapy

i take medication

i attempt to follow advice

nothing helps

 

i see the years slipping by

and

i hate myself for wasting them

i am desperate

help me

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2 Responses to “won’t you please,please help me…..”

  1. Hey there. I just want to say I do think you should feel proud of yourself that you’re trying so hard. I’m also really glad you see that your perceptions regarding the severity of your self-harm is distorted; I can relate to this. When I mentioned to my therapist I didn’t think my self-harm was ‘bad enough’ to warrant concern she asked ‘Is it scarring?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Then it’s time to stop’. But for us enough if never enough..

    It’s going to take time, you need to heal and it’s going to be hard but I believe you can do it.

    Hang in there xxx

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      the real problem is what doing these things takes out of me. 5days of activity, minor on most people’s scale, has wiped me out. i thought i was cracking up on friday night. i have been indugling in destructive behaviours & isolation since. it doesn’t make it better, but i can’t stop myself.
      thanks for reading.

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