the best part of me was always you….

my brother & his family are emmigrating

to austrlia

i am going to lose the best and most important thing in my life.

my muffin.

my niece is everything.

i’m crying already.

i don’t know how to live without her

she is my reason to stay alive

i feel like i am grieving

in the week since i they annouced they were leaving

i have fallen apart.

i have so many fears.

how i will manage without her

how she will feel without all of her family

how will she ever understand ?

how i will ever afford to visit

will she forget me ?

i can’t bear the thought of her hurting

or

the idea that i’ll become some distant aunt that doesn’t really mean anything

i have adored every second of her life

watching her become her own little person

all the mornings she wakes me up

teaching her songs

&

reading her stories

we’ve shared so many of her firsts

created so many games

&

memories

i feel like a losing another child.

i keep thinking of all the moments that she has reminded me that life can be good

that feeling that swells inside me

just by having her near me.

so smart and funny.

we have so much fun

making her happy

is reason enough for me to keep fighting

knowing that we will never be like again

is killing me

i can’t hold her until she falls asleeep via skype

or silently watch as she creates her own play world

listen to her talk to her toys

or herself

there will be no more singing in the car

or walking the dogs together

no more singing her bath song

or breaking my back to be her horsey

the most special part of my life is over.

knowing that she loves me

knowing i will see her tomorrow and the next day

has been my reason.

my heart is breaking.

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3 Responses to “the best part of me was always you….”

  1. This is incredibly sad. Heart break is difficult to heal. 😦

  2. jenna Says:

    oh love, i don’t know what to say. i understand. i’m angry and hurting for you too. one thing to remember tho, is just because she isn’t close, doesn’t mean she still isn’t your reason to keep going on. she needs you to be there for her more than ever now. to know that when she does have that chance to skype, you’ll be there. and when she visits, she can see you. it will be different, yes, but you will still build memories with her.
    i’m so sorry. 😦

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