even if i quit, there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop….

25 days.
you can not imagine how long that is.
25 days without picking up a scalpel
without that first cut
without blood
without pain
without causing harm.
25 days wihtout being me.

i don’t really know how to live this way

my mind is constantly thinking of new ways to hurt myself
not hurting myself feels unnatural
wrong
i’m not losing blood
i miss the sight of it
and the knowledge
that the blood is gone

i like to know that i’ve suffered
that i’m not getting off lightly
i deserve the pain
and
everything else that goes with it

i don’t know who i am when i’m not punnishing myself

it feels far from permanent.
the lure of the blade is still so strong

it’s 25 days of crushing guilt
and
just
a tiny bit of
hope.

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3 Responses to “even if i quit, there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop….”

  1. 25 Days….you have and still are doing amazingly well…..BUT me saying that is not and probably will never me enough to make them thoughts of punishing yourself go away. As a fellow SH’er I “get” everything you are saying, you describe it so well and I fully understand where you are coming from.

    Reading this post gives me that little bit of hope as well…..Im proud of you for managing the 25 days….I dont really know what else to say, I have no words of wisdom and I dont want to patronise….BUT

    from the bottom of my heart, I mean it when I say…you are amazing!!

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you.
      i keep hoping one of these days it will feel good. just got to keep fighting th urge for as long as possible. no idea how long that will be.xx

  2. So proud of you for managing 25 days, it’s a wonderful achievement even though it probably doesn’t bloody feel like it! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I hope there are more days to come though that will feel easier than this x

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