never is a promise……

i’m still not cutting
( 67 days)
i’m also still waiting for it to get easier.
isn’t the urge meant to decrease ?

last week i had to have a canula put in for some treatment
my arm bled
and my whole body reacted
my heart was thumping
i got hot
my stomach flipped
it had been so lone since i had seen my blood
and i wanted more

i am certain it was darker than usual
i am certain there is too much blood inside me
my mind is imagining the blood cells multiplying rapidly
and it scares me

i want it out
i need it out

everyday the scenarios in my head get more graphic
&
grotesque
i can’t stop the images playing
new and more dangerous ways of hurting myself are constanly flooding my thoughts

i really don’t know how long i can resist my urges
i am beginning to feel that they are part of me
i am so scared of how far i will go if relapse

i’m terrified of letting everyone down
but
what scares me most is discovering that this is all i am.

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One Response to “never is a promise……”

  1. So sorry you’re finding this hard. Don’t know what to say really but sending big hugs xx

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