you win again….

i haven’t really wanted to write,
i feel a failed a little bit.

i thought i was doing well
until
it crept back in
stronger,
darker.

alan & i broke up
that wasn’t the cause
i wasn’t in love with him
he didn’t break my heart

i was having fun
which must have helped
it’s easier to forge ahead
when there is something to push towards.
&
the sex, of course
i always feel better when i’m having good sex.

the repetiton of the ending
hurts.
no fault
no awful deeds
we just don’t want the same things.

i’ve heard that line before.

now, we’re being friends
another ex to add to my collection
i imagine, every man i ever go out with claiming a deep desiere to be friends,
is some sort of compliment,
but
it stings.

he’s not the reason for my dip.
i had a sad day or two
and
then i was ready to move on.

the blackness had other ideas.
i’m fighting so hard
following all the rules
keep busy
don’t isolate
don’t blame myself
don’t feel guilty
don’t cry
don’t cry

i’m a model patient
i’m taking a fucking dance class.
i’m dating
i’m not cutting

my head remains unaltered
i wake up feeling the dread of another day
and
i struggle
every day
all day
not to hurt myself
or drug my self unconscious
just waiting for it to be late enough to go to bed again.

distractions don’t work
cutting works
i know the elation i’d feel
if i could only dig a blade into my skin
but
then i’ve really failed.

so, i continue with this new life
voluntary work
and
dance classes
and
drinks
and
big fake smiles
and
hope, hope, hope
the light returns.