a tale of two ex’s, part 1

i hadn’t seen the man for a year or so
and in that time i quietly got over him
it happened whilst i wasn’t looking

i still missed him
&
being newly single
the idea of a spending some time with him
without all the longing,
appealed.

if i’m totally honest,
the idea of some no feelings sex had occured to me too.

i was quickly disabused of any no feelings notion.
my controlled, unemotional man was transformed
perhaps it was just all the red wine,

he enquired what i would say if he asked me to move in with him.
he alluded to a desire for us to grow old together
he even seemed to be budging on the children issue.
in his own impossible way of course,

his exact words were,
i don’t want a baby, but
if we had one
i would try to love it

i don’t think he quite grasped how short this offer fell.

he talked about how certain aspects of his life were making him unhappy
expressed fear & uncertainty
asked for my approval
&
assurances that i would always be in his life.

he was not himself.

it was strange to see him so vunerable
to be honest, i’m worried about him.

i didn’t expect seeing him to bring up so many emotions.
i don’t want to spend my life with him anymore,
i do still love him.
i still want to take care of him
which
is a little dangerous.

when we parted he kissed me.
and
as much as i wanted to feel nothing
i was as blown away as i’ve always been

he presses his lips to mine
&
i melt
i don’t experience that with anyone else.

i’m not going back
he is never going to give me what i want

i just can’t help wondering
what might have been…..

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