here comes the fear again….

143 days.
i know i should be proud
maybe a tiny little part of me is
i can recognise that this is a huge achievment for me
unfortunately
the bigger part of me feels guilty
and
ashamed.

i’m a fraud
i still think about it everyday
my mind conjures up the most horrific images.
i deserve it.
i should be atoning for my mistakes.
i should be tearing my body apart
the guilt of not hurting myself,
of deceiving those i care about most
is killing me.

i do not feel better
i miss the blood
i crave the blood
i imagine it flowing inside me
i’m scared there is too much
i feel unnatural.

i don’t know who i am
without
blood
and
pain
and
chaos.

i’m so much lower without the release
i have no escape from these intolerable emotions
the fear is overwhelming
i’m scared this is never going to change

i am always going to want it
i will forever be ruled by insane desires
uncontrollable lows
and
i’m too ashamed to admit it.

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6 Responses to “here comes the fear again….”

  1. But you are admitting it and it’s ok…

    Keep on keepin’ on

    Proud of the gurl !!!

    xxx

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i’m not admitting to the people who love me. they think i’m finally getting better. i’m not convinced i’ll ever really be better.

  2. You have done so so well…..Very proud of you, yes you are still struggling, maybe more so because the images are so graphic….but you are saying no them and you are standing up to them and you are being brave in admitting your battle

    xxxx

  3. You are afraid of what’s next, but remember that you have already done so much. I bet you were terrified of what day 10 would be like, or day 50,or 100,and you’ve survived them all. Fears are almost always worse than reality. I acknowledge your cravings, they are not shocking to me. After so any years, it’s not just going to go away in 143 days. Hang I there love. ❤

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i really want to believe that it’s going to get better, but i’m just not convinced it’s ever going to go. i’m not giving up, i wish it would get een a little bit easier.

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