i hurt myself today…

i haven’t cut in 175 days.
i couldn’t say with complete confidence that it’s a good thing.
the last few weeks have been bad.
i feel as though i’ve taken a thousand steps back.
i am so lost
and
scared
and
desperate to hurt myself.

the self imposed ban on cutting was supposed to improve my life
i was told i’d despise myself less
i would discover i had some worth
the need to destroy myself would disapate.

bullshit

last night i beat my hand with a marble pestle
i’m fairly certain i’ve broken some bones
but
i can’t stop
i watch it puff
&
swell
&
bruise

i finally win a little peace

i can escape from the fear
there has been so much fear.

someone knocks my door
& i find myself hiding in the office
heart racing
hands sweating
terrified

of what, i have no idea.

the fear doesn’t actually need a trigger.
i wake up afraid
scared of having to get through another day

there are so many days
most with no purpose
no joy
no meaning

pain has meaning
inflicting pain upon myself is natural
it’s right

so, i haven’t cut in 175 days
but
i’ve hit myself with a hammer
torn off toenails
pierced my flesh with needles
pressed salt & ice in my skin until it blisters
broken finger bones….
the list will go on
i will always find new ways

” i cherish the revolting thought,
that even i quit,
there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop “

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11 Responses to “i hurt myself today…”

  1. jermec Says:

    Keep blogging, keep tweeting. It might help to share. I don’t know what to say that might help. Take care of your wounds – talk to a pharmacist at least for dressings advice. Talk to someone you trust, if you can about your hand. Keep that pain under control. Work on the other agony any way you can

  2. meandmymentalhealth Says:

    That’s the thing about self harm isn’t it, even if you can stop for a while, you need to figure out why you do it and what need its meeting for you – it’s only then that stopping can be sustained in my opinion.
    That said though, stopping cutting for that length of time is a massive achievement and says a lot about how much you want things to change. It’s also natural I think to find other things that fill that void, whether they come under the category of self harm or not!
    I really hope things get better for you soon xxx

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i know why i cut & what needs it meets/met. i’ve been in therapy for years. laterly it had stopeed meeting any needs for more than a few moments, which was partly why i am trying to stop. the need to go make every cut worse than the last in order to gain any release had jut become to dangerous.
      i am trying to complete trauma therpay at the moment, which i hope will have some impact on how i see myself.
      thanks for reading.

      • meandmymentalhealth Says:

        I hope the trauma therapy goes ok and helps, I know how hard it is x

  3. Jenna Says:

    It took you a long time to build up to the damage you were regularly doing to yourself and it was a long time doing it. 175 is a long time, but not long enough to undo all that happened. Please don’t give up. You have not failed now, nor in the past. Love you.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      i’m trying to not let this be a permanent down turn, but it’s so hard. i want to hide in bed & not deal with the world.

  4. What you wrote is really powerful. I am glad that you wrote it. But I would also suggest that you try counselling, on the NHS–I know that this is a very long wait–but, from what you write, I find you to be extremely talented and I would really like someone to try to help you to value yourself more, because I think you’re worth it. (Sorry if this seems patronising–I’m just a science student!) Take care.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      hey, thanks for reading. ive been in therapy for years, so i am getting help.

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