i don’t believe in fear, i don’t believe in pain…

i haven’t written much about my physical health problems
i don’t know why
increasingly the physical is as debilitating as the mental health problems.

today has been a black hole of pain
the maximum dose of painkillers has little impact.
i’m not experiencing the worst pain i’ve known
but
it’s constant
day after day

simple tasks have become mammoth jobs
moving hurts
eating hurts
i can’t concentrate on anything long enough for it to offer distraction
the pain makes it hard to sleep
and
wakes me when i do manage to drift off

it grinds me down
i feel trapped both in my home
and
in my body

my stomach is a firey ball
my chest aches
the nerve damage in my arm is causing excruciating shooting pains
and the limb feels like dead weight
it goes weak at random intervals
meaning i drop, sometimes, dangerous items

i’m afraid of the pain
terrified
i plead with god to make it stop

i’m more frightening of the consequences of my pain
i want to work
i want to rejoin society
i am working so hard to resolve my mental ill health
if my physical ailments can’t be managed
it may all be in vain
i worry that no one will ever employ me

i am missing my life.
i am tired of saying no
because i’m sore
or sick
or in fear.

for now
i’m just hoping tomorrow is a good day.

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2 Responses to “i don’t believe in fear, i don’t believe in pain…”

  1. Hello there, I just wanted to leave a comment to express my best wishes for you. I’ve only read a couple of your more recent posts, so I’m not aware of your whole story, but I can relate to some of what you’re saying. Things will get better, if even in only small gradual steps. I’m not saying that that life is easy or fair by any means, because I can understand that it’s not, but I just wanted to extend a hand to you. I myself am going through some of the same experiences as you and merely wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.

    Mental health issues are difficult to cope with, never mind adding the physical symptoms that you’ve described here. I wish you all the best and hope that you’re able to carry on with peace of mind knowing that there are people out there rooting for you to pull through. You should be truly be proud of how far you’ve come.

    Kind regards ❤

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you so much for reading & commenting. i wish you well with your struggle.xx

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