everybody’s talking at me…..

this morning i got on a bus.
i paid my fare
smiled politely at the other passengers
sat down quietly.

i wasn’t in anyone’s way
i wasn’t rude
or
loud
i was just minding my own business, getting to where i needed to be.

apparantly,
my mere person was offensive.
my exposed arms
somehow enough to warrant censure.

a complete stranger took issue with my scars.

i was aware of her noticing & staring at my arms,
i’ve grown used to this sort of behaviour
& tried to dismiss her rudeness.
but
the stares became glares
and
she was visibly annoyed.
i felt uncomfortable, but was able to zone her out.

alas, she felt compelled to express her judgement
as i walked past her to leave the bus,
she hissed that i should be ashamed of myself.

i reacted by asking her if she was ashamed of being a cunt.

this is how i usually respond to such comments.
i make an angry, sometimes comic retort
&
quickly get on my way

i don’t want these people to know how much they hurt me
or
how the shake my confidence.

most of all,
i never want them to be aware
of just how ashamed i am

i’ll never know why my personal struggle anger others
or
why strangers believe that my body is their business.
i do know that shame is a common theme. they want me to cowed
&
hiding
&
sorry.

i hope one day i will be unconcerned by these encounters
today is not that day
i came home & stayed home.
i doubt i’ll go out tomorrow either.

because shame & guilt are what make my world go around.
i don’t need the negative reinforcement.

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5 Responses to “everybody’s talking at me…..”

  1. MySoCalledLifeSigh Says:

    That woman’s response sure wasn’t the right one. It is surprising that she took notice of your struggle just long enough to judge you. She doesn’t know you, so please don’t let that get you down. Nice theme choice, btw.

  2. You have nothing to be ashamed of! Your scars are a sign of your mental strength. When you are able, let people stare, be open about it, and be proud of the person you are. It is a lovely piece that you have written!

  3. laura Says:

    dont let them get to you and i love you come back i might use it some time. honestly they don’t understand the pain you went through to be in a place where you would do that to yourself. they dont understand why anyone would do that to themselves thats what makes them so ignorant. But alot of times when people dont understand something they get angry, obviously that bad education self education awareness stupidity and ignorance on their part. The scars are a part of what made you who you are today and the point is that you are better now so don’t let the stupid people hurt you because you can let them hurt you or just know that they are stupid and dont even know what they are talking about. Stay strong.

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