blood on the rise, it’s following me….

i cut.
265 days. Void.

in the end there wasn’t any particular trigger
i had bad day
no worse than the few that went before it
a flip just switched
i started to feel like I could
like I should
and
that was that

i had been so scared of forgetting how
i thought I might get rusty without the continuous practise
i needn’t have worried
it had never been easier.

I intended to take my time,
make a small cut
dip my blade in
but
the blood flooded my senses
i was in deep before I was even properly aware of it

it felt good.

the blood under my fingernails
the little globs of yellow fat on my hands
the pulsing blue network
the pain
the calm

i expected to feel worse
i’m a little ashamed
i don’t want people to know
but
if this could be my secret
i’d happily dive back into the self-destructive depths.

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8 Responses to “blood on the rise, it’s following me….”

  1. Beautiful writing … gratz on the 265 days. This addiction is a bitch.

  2. jenna Says:

    one day doesn’t erase the 265 before it. you are brave and beautiful and awesome. love you.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      you know me,though, once is not enough. really struggling not to rip myself apart.

      • jenna Says:

        thanks not exactly true- you did it once, then stopped for 265 days. so yeah, eventually it happened again, but that doesn’t mean you have to go back to frequent occurrences. you did it before, you can do it again. ❤

  3. I would too…if no one would ever know…if the high weren’t so temporary. It’s no different than a cocaine high. We know this, yet we crave it.

    I’m sorry for this pain. Jenna is right. One slip does not negate such a big accomplishment. We fall…we get up…we forgive ourselves…we go on.

    Congratulations on the 265.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      it’s more a calm than a high for me, but it is just as powerful.
      thanks for your support.
      i hope life is treating you well.

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