and watch your life slide out of view…

i’m bogged down in the swap of depression
again.

i don’t why it always creeps back. i do the work, i make progress. i start to think i am moving forward and then before i know it i am entrenched in this misery.

life becomes too much. every single task is overwhelming.
Washing, dressing, opening the post, doing the dishes. all impossible.

i can’t even begin to tackle this cluster of simple, mundane jobs. i feel worthless. i am ashamed to admit my paralysis. i can’t ask for help because i can’t bear for anyone to know.

each inconsequential decision becomes a mammoth undertaking. i can debate with myself for hours about whether to sit in the living room or my bedroom. i’m crippled by the fear of getting it wrong, of making it worse.

and the sorrow. the stagnating sadness, which i can’t drag myself out of.

the voice in my head constantly berating me. it tells me what a failure i am. it demands that i cut. screams orders to rip myself apart.

i can’t stand it.

i drug myself with handfuls of pills. opiates to blur reality, sedatives to shut me down. anything to escape the drone in my head.
But
there is no escape. there is always another day. the blood will never flow unchallenged.
it’s never enough.
so,i wait.
for the voice to get quieter
my mood to become unstuck
and
i pray
there won’t be a next time.

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2 Responses to “and watch your life slide out of view…”

  1. jenna Says:

    this weekend i came across one of my journals. i read a passage written when i was deep in depression. it was pretty scary, the raw, painful feelings, the total apathy on living or dying. and what struck me was how different i feel now. how that person who wrote those words hasn’t been around in a long time. it does pass, and i pray that one day soon you will look back on this time in the same way. i love you.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      it does go & i think it’s gone. i think i’m better, but it always comes back. i don’t understand it.

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