everybody’s free to feel good…

we’re having a little bit of a heat wave.
it’s nice to have a burst of sunshine
as every self-harmer knows
warm weather is not our friend

so, I’ve been dealing with the tired dilemma
hide & boil
uncover & face the inevitable judgement

i don’t always cover all my scars.
i began to dress more freely a few years ago
for the most part I am very pleased with that decision
sure, there are times when I take fright & reach for that cardigan
there are also people I don’t feel comfortable around with visible scars.
it’s a mixed bag.

anyway, with temperatures soaring
my usual semi cover ups began to feel oppressive
the thought of going out bare armed & bare legged hovered
scared me

finally the heat
and the constant enquiries with regards to my wardrobe won me over
i would be brave
i could do this

last Saturday I went out wearing a maxi skirt with a split & a vest
i spent a lot of time looking in the mirror before I left the house
i wanted to really see me
i am so used to my scars that I often don’t really acknowledge them
i needed to know exactly what others would be looking at.
after much procrastination & with large sunglasses for protection,
stepped outside.

i was prepared for stares
and they came
every second person I passed,
did a double take
i felt exposed

i didn’t stay out long
it was difficult
it was worth it to be out in the world as me
no lies
no shame
just me.

7 Responses to “everybody’s free to feel good…”

  1. Having exactly these problems/ thoughts/ feelings at the moment. Sunshine is not a friend sweltering away in long sleeves… Glad you’ve been feeling freer though.

  2. jenna Says:

    i love this post. ❤

  3. This is beautiful!

    I don’t have as many scars as some do, but I hide the ones I do have from my family. Sometimes when I am home alone, I wear a tank top and remove my watch. It is such an amazing feeling to walk around freely that way…with no judgments and no questions to answer.

    I know that it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Thank you…you are so inspiring.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      thank you so much.
      wouldn’t it be nice if we could walk around with judgement. not just people with scars, but everyone. i am going increasingly sick of this snarky world we live in. everyone feels the need to comment on every tiny little difference. starers be damned !

  4. What is this? That’s the first thought that came to my mind when I saw your picture. I just want to shake you awake and bring you out of this. Maybe throw in a hug.
    I don’t if it was because of the memory of how good it felt when I did it to myself or it’s the horror, but it just made me feel light headed. And I have some pretty horrid scars.

    Look, I don’t know your pain and I probably never will. But what I do know is that there will come a day when you will desperately want to wake up one day, and feel okay.

    And having a permanent reminder etched into your skin is not the way you’re going to make that a reality. You deserve better.

    I just want you to know you’ll be ok. (And yes, I didn’t have time to finish reading your post, but this comment had to be said..)
    I hope I haven’t offended you.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      I’ve always woken up & desperately wanted to be ok. Ever since this started I have wanted to be better. It’s not some game I’m enjoying. I can live with the scars much easier than I can live with the shit inside my head. I’m surprised this comment came from someone with experience of self harm.

  5. Warm weather is a huge battle for a self-harmer. I remember the great struggles I had in High school and all the questions about me wearing a sweater in June by the teachers. Summer was not meant to be enjoyed with a sweater covering our scars. Such a struggle, such a battle and I think it made me cut evem more. I think the thought behind it was if I am sweating because of old scars I might as well have something big to cover up at the time. So strange when I think about my logic back then.

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