what the hell am i doing here ?…..

therapy was another cry fest.
i have been struggling recently
and
as soon as I sat down in that room, it all came tumbling out

i am so frustrated with my current situation
my slide back into deep depression is soul destroying
and
incomprehensible.
why am I back here when I was making such progress?

nothing has changed.
all the recovery boxes were getting ticked
until it all started to fall apart again.

it’s such a cruel illness
there is no explanation for the sudden blackness crowding my head
i am trying so hard to fight it
but
every tiny little step is exhaustingly hard
it’s so difficult to believe I will ever emerge from the darkness

my psychologist believes that part of my problem is my inability to give myself credit
i do not feel that I should be congratulated for washing & dressing
having tea with a friend does not strike me as deserving of applause.
i struggle to connect with my compassionate mind.

i am critical
i consider myself pathetic for all the things I cannot do

guilt is another struggle
i don’t believe that I am allowed to have happy moments
it seems to me that if I can feel good for a short period of time,
i should be able to make myself ok
all of the time.

the only thing I see worth in
is my voluntary work
i have been donating some time to a children’s & youth initiative
engaging in an activity that is not about me feels good
however, my decline has interfered with this
overcoming me fear & anxiety to even manage the journey has become increasingly difficult
the pressure of Interacting with the other group leaders crushes me
hence, I am able to attend less
and
i am robbed of the one thing that allows me to consider myself a worthwhile member of society.

the battle goes on
i am cutting, but much less frequently
i feel i still have a modicum of control.
forcing myself to see friends & family continues to be a focus,
engaging in voluntary work has become a priority,
i have also begun a new anxiety med until I can see my psychiatrist.

i refuse to give in
with increasing frequency,
i want to.

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One Response to “what the hell am i doing here ?…..”

  1. “…One step up, and two steps back”. This is what recovery seems to be, I know. I have been told that this is the way it works (not sure if you are still doing EMDR).

    I can so relate to this post. I feel like I have been there, and I am there. When I made progress, I would reprimand myself for even thinking about sliding backwards…only to fall and hate myself that much more. I have learned to go with the flow of the tides, knowing that there will be ups and there will be downs, and they too shall pass. More importantly, I have learned to forgive myself…I hope you will also.

    I love your second to last paragraph. These efforts are worthy of celebration. I applaud your volunteer work. I have found that during my lowest moods, extending my hand to someone in need does wonders to lift me up. Please keep making an effort to get out and do this.

    Hang in there…you are not alone.

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