no distance left to run…

as i have previously discussed, i have been undergoing emdr therapy.
there have been small breakthroughs; i am beginning to aim my anger in appropriate directions,
i am now able to acknowledge that anger & my right to it.
i’ve also begun to accept the magnitude of that awful experience.
sadly, i am yet to shed the certainty that i am to blame.

i continue to self-flagellate
i fear the day that i do not.

along with these positive steps, the side effects have also progressed
the flashbacks have lessened. they now present as intrusive thoughts. treadmills of memories that i cannot get off.
the urge to cut is ever present.
i am powerless without the outlet.
i have no way to jolt myself out of these episodes.

sleep is elusive. the nightmares continue when i do find it.
there are also haunting dreams of what could have been.
the images of what i have missed are painful.
the guilt is fresh again.
the need to atone is powerful
i must hurt myself
pain is essential.

my final torture is the cruelest
body memories
i feel pregnant.
i am experiencing many of the symptoms i felt when pregnant.
combinations of symptoms that i haven’t felt since i carried a life within me
sensations so powerful that i started to believe i was expecting.
began to hope
i took a test, three tests, actually
there won’t be any baby
the symptoms continue
torture is not an exaggeration
it’s excruciating
a constant reminder of what i have lost
what i want
what i can’t have

the therapy continues
my psychologist has devised a new approach
i am going to have a weeks’ worth of intensive sessions
his thoughts being that the distress i experience between sessions is counter productive
i think, basically, he is afraid i will do something extreme
he may be right
so, we are attempting to complete the therapy in this block of sessions.
i am terrified
i honestly do not know if i can do it
i want to try.


3 Responses to “no distance left to run…”

  1. You are brave, and you are making progress…carry on!

    I know what you mean about the “torture” of body memories. I also experienced this during EMDR (and afterwards) a couple of weeks ago. When writing about it, I did not even know what to call it. All I knew was that it was, by far, the worst sensation I had ever experienced, and “torture” would have been the perfect word to describe it.

    I can understand you being terrified at a week of EMDR. I would feel the same. My therapist suggested twice a week sessions, and even that sounded frightening to me. However, it sounds like this is really making a difference for you, and the intensity of the sessions may, in essence, alleviate some of the side effects of the therapy,

    I wish you continued success.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      it’s something i wasn’t at all prepared for & it really took it’s toll. i’m sorry to hear you also experienced it. this was actually something i had written a while ago, but just getting round to posting. i’m in a sort of limbo at the moment as psych doesn’t think i’m strong enough to continue with emdr, so we’re taking a little break until i can pull myself out of this dip.
      i really hope you found the treatment beneficial. it’s so difficult, it would be awful to go through it & not come out the other side with something positive.

      • Precisely. I have continued to endure my treatment with the hopes of lasting relief. I have taken my therapy very slowly. I proceed cautiously and try not to do more than I think I can handle. Hence, my progress has been slow…but there is progress. I see it as I look back at my writing and compare it to what I am writing and feeling now. I see progress in my relationships and my ability to speak up and stand up for myself. I know that I still have a long way to go. There are depths that have not been touched yet. However, there are places where I can sand now that I had not been able to even approach before.

        A necessary break is not a bad idea. That’s pretty much how I have been approaching mine. In fact, I found that after the session with the body memories, I was hesitant to proceed with the next session.

        I hope you will feel stronger, My therapist has told me that there is not time limit to EMDR. We must take as long as we need to complete this horrendous process.

        Be strong and be well.


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