still enough time to figure out how to chase my blues away….

i’m not cutting.
partly because I simply lack the energy it requires
and
also because, damn it, I need to beat this demon.

it’s hard
so hard

i am still awaiting the day when I do not feel the urge
to be honest I’m losing hope that it will come.

there is still a daily battle
the constant guilt haunts me
i miss the pain
and
the blood
Oh god, do i miss the blood.

my emotions are so overwhelming
it becomes hard just to sit in my own skin
an assault on my flesh would be so welcome
the relief of a savage limb would be intense.
blood would wash my sins away
like a baptism.

i have an intermittent slide show playing in my head
of all the glorious destruction I could wreak upon myself
this is would be so much more bearable if I had a deadline
if I knew this would stop one day
if I knew I would win
i could stand the pain.

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7 Responses to “still enough time to figure out how to chase my blues away….”

  1. jenna Says:

    i agree with you 100% and i’m not saying it wouldn’t be easier with a deadline – BUT, you also don’t know there *isn’t* one, so please keep trying. ❤ ❤ <#

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      There can be no cutting before it during Australia. I’ll admit to being a little worried about what happens when I get home.

  2. It’s good to have a reason not to cut, even if it is temporary. Sometimes that’s how it is for me…an upcoming trip…a child’s birthday party…an expected visit…

    Hang in there. Australia will be good 🙂

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      yush at the moment australia is keeping me from doing it. i can’t go over there all cut up. i hope you have something to motivate you too. xx

  3. I really, really feel you here. I haven’t cut in a long time, but it is a constant struggle to find other ways to get through all of this everything. I wish we didn’t feel these urges, but there they are.

    I’m sorry you’re struggling. And I am so glad you are surviving.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      My therapist & psychiatrist are always telling me it will pass, but I’m not confident it ever will.
      I suspect the only people who truly understand are those who’ve experienced it.
      Thanks for reading & commenting.

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