you’re the one for me fatty….

i feel good.
it’s been so long since i could honestly say that.
i have some shaky moments
but
mostly, i am happy.

i have rediscovered parts of me that I love.
i don’t know if it is purely because I have escaped my reality
or if there has been a fundamental shift
either way,
everything here is wonderful.

of course seeing my niece everyday is joyous.
she has grown so much.
no longer a baby, my muffin is now a real little girl.
or as she would say, a big kid.
her story telling in incredible
it’s difficult to comprehend how smart & articulate she is.
and
Oh, so funny.
this child had developed her own unique sense of humour.
i can’t get enough.
our connection is still do strong
it doesn’t feel like we’ve every been apart.
to not enjoy life in her company is impossible.
I slept with her the night I arrived,
lying beside her little warm body felt like coming home.
in the morning she threw her arms around me & said,
‘ I’ve missed you so much ‘
unprompted, straight from her heart.
it was one of the greatest moments of my life.
so, yes, she is my medicine.
always been.
that will never change.

there is so much more.
i like me in australia.
down under I talk to handsome men in hotel bars.
without fear.
i do not question my entitlement to do so
and
i’m not afraid.
he’s into me
i’m sexy
i like it.

i’m wearing clothes i would never consider at home .
my body is enjoyable.
my fat, pale,scarred self is beautiful.
sure people stare,
but
i could not give a fuck.
a manicurist asked about my scars
and
i told her the truth.
no shame, no guilt.
before I know it she is showing me her scars
we talk briefly, but frankly
a new friend is made.
other patrons in the salon overhear
and
we just don’t care.
i am bold.
i am free.

i wander the streets making discoveries.
i go wherever I choose.
i meet people who love my accent
my clothes
my tattoos
they like me.
they think i’m fucking fantastic.

spur of the moment decisions are a breeze.
i get pierced,
but my muffin every single thing i think will please her.
when i have a massage I strip to my knickers without a moments hesitation.
it’s been years since I made an untroubled decision.
i’ve spent hours, years debating the minutiae of my existance.
all that tim terrified that i misstep.
it does not matter.
if i get it wrong,
i can fix it !
who, knew ?

each evening I blow bubbles with my girl on the deck
then we watch the sunset.
i witness the sky putting on it’s show,
i listen to the crickets & lorikeets.
It’s a living breathing wall of sound.
it embraces me
and
this is the magical bit,
i think of nothing.
i live the moment.
I soak it all up & acknowledge that I am experiencing something awesome.
in australia, I say that word
because everything is awesome,
i am awesome.

i sleep.
almost every night.
exactly like a normal person.
i rest
and
wake early feeling refreshed.
can you imagine that ?
i haven’t slept like this in 15yrs.
it’s a revelation
and
i know the secret
don’t worry
don’t think
Just do.

that is the key to it all.
enjoy this moment.
take a deep breath
and
know it’s ok to be ok.

i’m now a woman who can take three planes & fly across the world alone.
i can deal with a dubian wild goose chase for a boarding pass
and
a non existent flight in melbourne.
i made it.
i did it.

Yes, i have pain.
I faint & for the last few weeks I have rarely been able to feel any sensation on my fingers it toes.
i believe it will pass.
i don’t panic
and
most importantly,
i do not hurt myself.

i have uncovered the remnants of a girl I thought was gone forever.
maybe it’s my girl
perhaps it’s the sun
or
those damn kangaroos.
whatever combination of mystic elements brought her back,
i want her to stay.

leaving all of this is going to be so very hard.
please,
let me bring myself home.

for the first time in so long i can see that i’m allowed this.
i deserve to be happy.

i’m ready to hit play
&
restart my life.

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6 Responses to “you’re the one for me fatty….”

  1. I am so pleased for you! Your post made me happier to read.

  2. Oh, how beautiful! This is the way life should be lived. I am so glad that you have found the wonderful woman that you are. It sounds to me like Australia is the place to live!

    I hope you will take this joy with you when you travel back home and remember this amazing person that you truly are.

    I love the last line of your post, “I’m ready to hit play & restart my life”…great way to look at things ๐Ÿ™‚

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