you win again…

I had yet another hospital appointment.
this time with an orthopaedic surgeon.
for the last year or so i have been having difficulties with my left hand & arm.
my gp thought it might be related to my b12 defiecency as i also lose feeling in my toes.
apparently that is a completely separate issue.
my problem is in fact, nerve damage.
damage caused by me.

i have a splint to wear and have injections for the next three months.
the consultant will then decide how to proceed surgically.
i’m not thrilled about having another procedure
but
there is so much more to it.

i feel so very guilty.
i am entirely responsible for this.
most of me feels i don’t deserve to have this impairment corrected.
i feel unworthy
i unnecessarily deplete resources.

worse than that,
i feel that this will never be over.
self-harm will always be with me.
whether it’s the constant desire to hurt myself
or
the ongoing consequences of what i’ve done to my body.

all those years of people telling me how dangerous my cutting was
it never felt real to me.
it’s real now.

i’m living with the damage i didn’t believe i could do
my heart
my hand
perhaps this is my punishment

i should be happy
i always wanted to castigate myself
i’ve succeeded

all i have achieved is becoming even more of a burden
now people i love have another reason to worry about me
i require further medical intervention
i am a drain.

even now, I’m whining.
i’ve done it
i need to live with it.
i could
if other people didn’t have to be involved.

i’m comfortable with pain
i still seek it out.
i am beginning to wonder why i keep fighting the urge
if the shadow of self-harm is going to hang over me forever
why not just give in to it?

the shame
and
the guilt
and
fear
are constant companions

so, maybe i let it win.
isn’t it winning anyway?

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2 Responses to “you win again…”

  1. jenna Says:

    oh love, i’m sorry you have to deal with this now.
    why not just give in to it? you just wrote a whole post that sounds like you regret what you’ve already done. so that’s why. don’t do more. it just sucks you further down the spiral and the circle that has no winners ever- you harm cuz you don’t feel worthy, and then you look at yourself as not worthy because you’ve harmed. you know what it does. this is not YOU at your core. it is a disease, and i for one think you should keep fighting it. and yes, you’ll have to fight every day, probably for the rest of your life. and you will feel like giving up a lot of times along the way, but you know that’s not the right choice. ❤

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      I know you’re right, but that fighting it everyday but is. So overwhelming & exhausting .

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