everyday is silent & grey….

I had a gastroscopy yesterday. I’ve had one before and whilst it was unpleasant, it was fairly straight forward. Yesterday’s procedure did not go so well. For whatever reason my body didn’t tolerate the procedure well. It became a painful and frightening experience.
I’m ok.
They didn’t find anything life threatening, just further deterioration of my existing conditions. I’m sore and tired, but there is no lasting damage.
So, why do I feel so awful?
It feels pathetic to admit this
It’s because I’m alone.
It would be so nice to have someone to hold my hand through these times. I don’t want to complain because I know I am lucky in lots of ways. I have friends and family who love me. I am grateful for all the help they give me. The truth is there is only so much I can ask of them. They have partners, responsibilities, lives. Hence, most of the time, I am on my own with this.
And it is lonely.
Spending days trapped in my house (&my head) without any human contact. Being ill limits what I can do so much. Pain can override my ability to even read or watch a film. This leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Thoughts that can quickly spiral into dangerous places.
Hope easily slips away when you’re struggling to get out of bed. It feels like my physical health will never improve & that hammers away at any progress I make with my mental health. Reclaiming my life gets further away with each flare up & new diagnosis.
I suppose this post is mostly about me feeling sorry for myself. I’m scared that the life I want is simply not possible now. I’m not sure that anyone in my life really understands how I isolated I am. Nor do I know how to talk about these feelings.
I’m pouring it out here in an attempt to feel maybe even little less alone.

4 Responses to “everyday is silent & grey….”

  1. I get this, I know I share a life/mind/body with other parts but after an intense therapy session yesterday all I wanted was a cuddle.

    Physically, we are utterly alone, no friends, no family, nothing, nobody. Every single silent, grey day.

    I’ve checked Google maps, I can be at your house in about half an hour, just saying.

    Love you


    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      I wish I could have been there to give you a huggle.
      To be honest I think things are much harder for you & I should stop moaning.
      That’s very nice to know. You’re always welcome here.

  2. Sorry the gastroscopy wasn’t tolerated so well by your body and that it was frightening for you.

    Being alone while going through this pain, fear, pain and so much more *is* hard. Just hope it helped a little to write this.

    If I could hold your hand through this, I would.

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