all you need is me…

i have been cutting sporadically over the last few weeks.
it hasn’t felt like a complete return to self-harm as it’s been contained.
i had expected to feel guilt
perhaps a sense of failing
but
it has been gentler than that
it feels like returning from an arduous journey & climbing into my own bed.

this past weekend has been different.
my cutting has become more insistent
i’ve begun to make demands of myself
at some point in the early hours,
the notion of being in control again took hold.

as I marvelled in the restorative wonder of hot blood
i realised i could seize back power
i could watch my haemoglobin levels plummet
all the heavy, guilt ridden blood could be let
opening garnet stripes
as I reclaim my body

these thoughts were exhilarating
and
with them came plans
schedules of pain
strict timetables to be adhered to
rules that if obeyed would bring comfort.
finally, I can breathe

i want to feel every slice of my flesh
and
monitor every drop of spilt blood
i need the hurt
my body must be a battle ground
if my mind is to stand any chance of a lasting peace.

i’m in charge again.
i can’t tell you how much I have longed to sink into this well-worn mattress.

this is me.
this works.

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3 Responses to “all you need is me…”

  1. jenna Says:

    oh honey, no, it doesn’t work. this is your disease taking over and tricking your mind. i’m so sorry you are feeling this way. please be careful. all of the things you are doing now – the blogs, traveling around the world to see athena, speaking on behalf of all of us at conferences, taking care of animals, – you can’t do that if you’re in the hospital, if you’re too weak. and yes i know you will say you can keep it check, you can control it. but you can’t. it just lets you think you can. you are truly in control when you are happy. when you can say, ‘i don’t need this anymore.’ (i know you probably don’t want to hear any of this right now and this might even make you angry, but i don’t care. i love you and i’ll say it again and again) ❤

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      there is a part of me that knows what you are saying is true, but the other part shouts louder. it’s more insistent. the relief is enormous.

      • jenna Says:

        i’m glad there is a part of you that can hear me. that’s all i ask for! just try and hold on to that part, k? ❤

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