losing in front of your own crowd…

I find myself in unchartered territory.
I think I have edged myself closer to the edge of this pit of despair (dramatic enough for you?)
Now, I’m just nowhere
I mostly want to sleep
And
Bleed

I have very quickly become obsessed with bloodletting again.
I hate the thought of it pulsing through my veins
There is absolutely, definitely too much.
I need it out
It’s all I can think of.
All of the time.

I’m failing.
I’m too sick
Too tired
I can’t keep up with my desired blood loss
It’s driving me insane
I feel utterly pathetic
I can’t find the energy to get it out
And
I can’t bear to have it in

It all sounds like an excuse to me
I am so angry with myself
This is one thing I can do
Underperforming in this area is unacceptable
The self-hatred is really piling up.
I’m nowhere.
Nowhere.

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4 Responses to “losing in front of your own crowd…”

  1. jenna Says:

    i’m worried.
    self-harm is a no win situation. if you tell yourself that cutting and blood letting is a success, you are simultaneously also failing at stopping. no matter how you look at it, you feel like you don’t deserve to be healthy, that you must hurt yourself, whether it’s because you failed, or because you are succeeding.
    can you hear how crazy and illogical that is? that’s because this is a DISEASE. it’s not real. i promise you, it’s not real – it’s a twisted, dark, monster that is trying to take over and hurt you and it will screw with your mind in so many ways to make that happen.
    this is not your fault. you are sick. you are beautiful. you are deserving. please fight this. you’ve done it before and you WERE happy. it’s worth it to get that back.

  2. I’m sorry your struggling. That’s terrible. I know we’re late with this reply…we’ve been in the hospital, psych ward. Sending a hug your way, xo

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      hey, thanks for your support. I’m sorry you’ve been in hospital. I hope you’re finding things a bit easier now. hug back at you.xx

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