I’ve looked at life from both sides now….

I haven’t written in a while. I’m not entirely sure why that is. I seem able to write other more frivolous things, but any deep introspection eludes me.
I am volunteering again. A project I really believe in. it gives me a sense of purpose. I know I shouldn’t need to find worth outside of myself, but I do. I suspect if they were honest, most folk have a similar struggle for validity.

My body continues to malfunction in a variety of ways. Planning is redundant. Where I can go & what I do is ruled by my ability to manage symptoms. I am the queen of cancelling. I am so tired of disappointing others & myself.

My head is a mystery to me. There are days when I feel I am making huge leaps. Future aspirations bloom, hope is palpable. And then for no concrete reason I plummet. Days seeped in grey merge into one another. Life becomes a featureless landscape of withdrawal or a frenzy of anxiety.

Self-harm is never far from my thoughts. I am not actively hurting myself, but I still believe that is the true me. I am forever searching for a way to hurt enough & still function. I can’t begin to find the words to describe how it feels to daily fight your most ingrained instincts. In so many ways I am broken, I honestly don’t know if the damage is irrevocable.

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4 Responses to “I’ve looked at life from both sides now….”

  1. bpnana Says:

    Every moment is an opportunity to start over. To change our thoughts about ourselves. I find that especially true with thoughts. When I fell lousy about myself, there was always a thought before it. I’m learning to sit with the thought and not judge it. Thoughts aren’t all truth, and feelings are not facts. xoxo

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      hey,
      thanks for reading & taking the time to comment. I know what you’re saying, I’ve heard the same thing from various sources. the problem I have is that my feelings about myself are so deep routed that they don’t feel like just thoughts, they seem like facts to me. trying to break that down is very hard.

  2. bpnana Says:

    Yes, it is very hard. But there are techniques that one can practice that can help one push through beliefs about themselves that no longer serve them. I’ve been studying DBT skills online. I love it. One doesn’t have to have BPD to benefit. Many books are available, too. Just a thought.

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      I’ve been in therapy for a long time. I’m aware of those skills. dbt & cbt are not helpful to me. i find them incredibly patronising.

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