i’ve lost control again…

i’m ill
oh, i know, i’m always ill
but it usually ebbs & flows.
i get some respite
i used to have days when i felt i like a normal person

i’ve been sick every day for months
i’m exhausted
i ache, everywhere
i threw up
a lot.

my body has decided that i am no longer permitted to eat
my weight is plummeting
i have no control.


as a result, i have shut down
because i cannot function without control
with every pound i lose
i feel like my actual self is diminshing
i am just fading away.

i rarely leave the house
i barely move at all
i can’t function
i can’t write
i can’t even cut with any efficacy.

i lack the strength or energy to assert dominance with a scapel
which means i’m lost.
i have to lie down to it
i don’t have any other options.


4 Responses to “i’ve lost control again…”

  1. findingmesomegillyweed Says:

    I know exactly what you mean! Just went for 24 hours without a tablet after four months of living off meds. I hope you feel better soon!

    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      I’m not ill because of meds. I have chronic conditions.
      I hope coming off the meds helps you.xx

  2. I hear such weariness.
    I think what ebbs and flows is our resilience rather than our chronic condition. At the moment, you’re knackered. You’re sick of fighting, sick of trying.
    It WILL feel better again at some point. You just have to ride it out… which I know is like telling someone they have to stay in hell’s flames for just a little longer… But hanging in there is the only real option.
    All this being said, as soon as you manage to accrue even an ounce of energy, I really recommend that you get to your GP or whatever form of support you can.

    Hoping you feel stronger soon.


    • doyourememberthattime Says:

      I’n sick & tired of trying to make drs care. They’re not fussed. I’m not putting myself in that position anymore.

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