Archive for the family Category

golden slumbers fill your eyes….

Posted in family, hope, love with tags , , , , , , , on 28/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

lying in bed beside her tired little body,

 

her wee hand grasping the locket around my neck

 

i feel calm.

 

looking into her eyes as she watches me sing

 

her beautiful eyes heavy with sleep,

 

slowly closing

 

drifting off to sleep to the sound of the beatles,

 

i am happy.

 

i know she feels safe

 

i have a purpose.

 

to love her

 

and

 

i do

 

i feel it.

 

it’s an actual physical warmth.

 

the emptiness is gone

 

she fills me up.

 

the lyrics i sing are true,

 

smiles do awake her when she rises,

 

she needn’t worry

 

or cry

 

she is surrounded with love.

 

i am proud of her attachment to me

 

the knowledge that i can comfort her

 

gives me hope.

 

knowing that i can soothe her

 

is my ultimate achievement.

 

this wonderful little person

 

loves me

relies on me

 

wants me.

 

there is no greater feeling.

 

i could wrap my whole life around her

 

and

 

be

 

happy.

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rainy days and SUNDAYS always bring me down…..

Posted in depression, family, mental health with tags , , , , , , on 19/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i have never liked sundays.

 

they have always held a certain gloom for me.

 

the advent of my depression has had made them heavier,darker,bleaker.

 

sundays magnify how much i have screwed up my life,

 

whilst most people are preparing for the beginning of the working week

 

i am bracing myself for another week of grey nothingness.

 

i have no clothes to iron,

 

no emails to read,

 

no reason to get to bed early.

 

i have no career.

 

i am fit for nothing.

 

sunday brings it all home.

 

sundays are lazy, cuddly, romantic days.

 

couples lie in

 

have delicious,unrushed morning sex

 

or take cosy walks together

 

buy newspapers to read over sloppy brunches.

 

from this too i am excluded.

 

i spend my sundays alone,

 

feeling lonelier than any other day of the week

 

no one chance of passion or companionship

 

because

 

no one falls in love with crazy

 

sunday underlines this fact.

 

let’s not forget, for else sundays are

 

perhaps their most painful incarnation

 

sundays are the end of the weekend

 

the are the ultimate school night

 

parents must make sure homework is completed

 

uniforms are assembled & ready

 

bags packed

 

lunches prepared

 

children bathed.

 

sunday evening holds the familiar bed time debate

 

it is a domestic day

 

a day that holds no routine for me

 

no logistics organise

 

no rules to enforce

 

to children to kiss goodnight.

 

 

 

sundays remind me of all that i don’t have

 

my mistakes

 

and

 

misfortune

 

vividly played out in all the rituals i do not have to perform.

 

 

i have never liked sundays.

therapy is speedie’s brand new drug…….

Posted in depression, family, hope, love, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 24/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i see a psychologist and am undergoing cbt therapy. i have being in treatment for a significant amount of time and thus far my progress seems somewhat stunted.

 i have never really discussed much of my therapy on this blog.

 i don’t know why that is. i certainly find it useful.

i do try to put the things i learn there in to practice. i have trouble getting results.

 the theory is very clear.

 i find it difficult to impact on my actual feelings.

 intellectually, i embrace it

 emotionally, i am confounded.

 my psychologist would like to start working on my relationships more closely. we have obviously discussed the important people in my life before, but he thinks the impact of these relationship could withstand some closer inspection.

i think he is most probably correct.

i have a huge need to compensate the people i love for the trouble i cause them.

 i carry a huge guilt.

 it is not easy to have someone like me in your life.

 i am very aware of tha.

t i feel that ultimately, my problems are mostly my own fault

, i made bad decisions, i allowed people to treat me badly & i failed to deal with the results well.

 i know that i am to blame. i must therefore clean up my own mess.

 inconvenience, pain, worry, embarrassment of others is not acceptable.

 i have spent a lot of time trying to challenge these feelings, but i have never been convinced that i am wrong.

 i am at fault.

that is fact.

of course these beliefs effect how i behave towards family & friends.

 i am a burden and i am duty bound to lighten the load of knowing me

 or make up for that weight.

 as a result i often have difficulty saying no.

 i feel responsible for the people i live being safe & happy.

 i have an urge to make everything better for everyone.

 this can leave me open to be taking advantage of.

add to this my need to mother &  you have a potent mixture.

these are just some of the things i am going to be working on in therapy. i’m hoping for a breakthrough.

blood on my hands to stay strong….

Posted in depression, family, miscarriage, pregnancy, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 22/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

My friend is 6wks pregnant.

She told me tonight.

She has been trying for a while & i am happy for her.

I’m excited.

I want that to be the full extent  of how i feel,

 

But it never is.

 

I’ve been through this quite a few times now.

And it’s always the same.

Happy for them and so very sad for me.

 

Everytime, i wonder, when will it be me ?

Everytime ,i hate myself for being so selfish.

Everytime, i feel this gaping hole at the centre of me

 

I’m losing hope that i will ever be able to fill it.

 

I feel an actual physical pain.

I yearn for all the memories i never got to make

All the tears and smiles i’ve missed.

My heart breaks that my boy never got the chance to call me mummy

I am terrified that no one will ever call me mummy.

 

I feel so incredibly lonely.

i know it’s not the answer

but

the only respite i know is in self destruction

i bleed to survive.

I’ll cut this sadness out.

 

poem for allan

Posted in death, family, hope, love with tags , , , , on 18/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

Solid stone is just sand and water,
And a million years gone by.
 
Daily minutes are just special moments,
In the blink of an eye.
 
Precious souls
aren’t lost forever
with memories  & love
we can sustain each other.
 
Dark days are hard to suffer,
When  no one offers a why
But
Solid stone is just sand and water
And a million years gone by.

a change goin come…….

Posted in death, depression, family, hope, love, Uncategorized on 18/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

It’s been a hard year.

A very hard year.

I have barely made it through.

I’ve struggled with serious physical illness,

My ongoing depression,

Serious illness in family members,

Supporting my friend and her son through the end of an violent relationship,

My flat has been burgaled,

My brother lost his job due to the recession,

Those are just highlights (lowlights),

But

Last week something happened that has given me pause for thought.

My 28 yr old cousin died.

Suddenly

And for as yet unknown reasons.

It has been terribly sad

It has also prompted me to give thanks for all that i do have.

Shelter,food,friends,family,love,

LIFE

I hope allan is at peace.

I pray that his dad and brother will make it through this.

I am truely grateful for the opportunity each new day brings.

I sincerely hope that next year is more merciful than this.

I pledge to do everything within my power not to waste the gift i have been given.