Archive for the friendship Category

Vomity conversations with the man…

Posted in dating, friendship, love, relationships with tags , , , , , on 11/12/2014 by doyourememberthattime

Me – I’m in bed already. So tired. Come cuddle me.

The man – Oh you want a ring and a cuddle.

Me – I feel pitiful

The man – sad face

Me – cuddle would be better

The man – cuddle also

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worth it….

Posted in children, depression, family, friendship, love, mental illness, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 24/11/2014 by doyourememberthattime

one of my dearest friends gave birth yesterday
she brought a beautiful baby girl into the world
and
i’m so proud of her
i’m so happy for her
i’m so in love with that little girl already

but
i’m crying
when she told me she was in labour i felt a stab of pain so sharp
that it took my breath away
because i’m selfish
and jealous
and another person i love is getting everything I want

the thing is once i got my breath back
i prayed that her labour was easy
i prayed for them both to be safe
i was excited.
all i wanted was for them both to be healthy & happy.

when i saw her beautiful little face this afternoon
i cried happy tears
she’s perfect
and her mummy has done the bravest, hardest thing by bringing her into the world
i know how full of love her life is going to be
and
how wonderful her parents are.

we live on different continents
i can’t be there every day
but
i want nothing more than to be a part of this tiny new human’s life
i can’t wait to watch this family grow.

So, yes
i’m self-involved
and
yes, it hurts
but
the hurt isn’t a patch on the joy
idoesn’t touch the thrill of a new life
it cannot dull the pride
Nor dampen the adventure.

there will always be pain
and
it will always be worth it

the huge, expansive love
will never stop being worth it.

i can feel the distance as you breathe…

Posted in depression, friendship, relationships, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 07/03/2014 by doyourememberthattime

i’m a little bit lost
and
a lot broken
but you could patch me back together
i don’t mean in any permanent sense
that’s up to me

you could fix me today

a tale of two ex’s, part 2

Posted in dating, friendship with tags , , , , , , on 08/02/2013 by doyourememberthattime

my relationhsip with alan came to an abrupt end

since calling it off

there had been a number of drunk texts

so, when he asked to get together

i thought it would be good to give us a nicer ending.

 

i wasn’t in love with alan

i was sad when it ended.

 

i think seeing the man had clarified things for me

i was never going to feel that way about alan

and

it was probably best to stop when we did.

 

so, we met for dinner & drinks.

 

he arrived unshaved & not looking his best

i knew i didn’t want to be with him anymore.

it was strange

three weeks ago, i was happily having a relationship with him

and

now

i didn’t feel very much at all.

 

we talked about us

and

what we wanted

and

a little bit of everything else

it felt good that we could be friends.

 

then we got very drunk

 

when he invited me back to his

my baser instincts kicked in.

i hadn’t had sex since we broke up

i was horny

and

somehow

sleeping with him

purely for the sex

made me feel in control.

 

i wasn’t pining for him

i didn’t want to keep him

i can close the door on him now

without any sadness

 

oh,

&

the sex was amazing.

 

 

 

won’t you please,please help me…..

Posted in depression, family, friendship, mental health, self destruction, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 08/04/2012 by doyourememberthattime

after conducting a small survey with close friends & family members.

i decided my therapist may be correct

i do indeed have an unrealistic perception

of

my situation

 

i am still not entirely won over

but

i’m convinced enough to be

frightened

 

i reviewed lots of the handouts i have received from my psychologist

and thought a great deal about how i could reduce my

self harming

behaviours

 

i wanted to reduce my opportunity

and

my desire

to cut

 

i filled up my week with things i thought i could do

if i really pushed myself

 

i accepted invitations from two close friends

along with already planned time with my little ones

& agreed to look after my brothers dog

 

i kept busy.

i got dressed

i did my hair & applied make up

i ate well

and

attended to much needed housework

i ticked so many of the advised boxes

 

i didn’t want to do most of these things

they were tiring

and

scary

and stressful

but, it’s what i have been encouraged to do.

 

the result ?

 

i feel worse

in every

possible

way

my mind and body are worn out.

interacting with the world has been horrendous

 

i felt close to breaking  last night

i cried for hours

had an episode of vomiting

finally drugged myself to sleep

 

this morning i woke up to the dread of another day

i’ve been on edge

i can’t settle

everything feels wrong

i’m in pain

i feel nauseous

and

utterly exhausted

 

most of all

i am overwhelmingly sad

of course this leads back to my usual destructive tendencies

with all it’s predictable problems

satisfaction is hard to accomplish

and

the calm is brief

 

i simply do not know how to live anymore

neither my own maladaptive

nor

the recommended

supposedly healthy

techniques work

 

i try

i engage in therapy

i take medication

i attempt to follow advice

nothing helps

 

i see the years slipping by

and

i hate myself for wasting them

i am desperate

help me

conversations with the man

Posted in dating, friendship, love, romance with tags , , , , on 01/04/2012 by doyourememberthattime

me – do you make everyone work this hard

the man – no. just you

me – why so hard on me ?

the man – you are special

me – in what way special ?

the man – like a special person

 

i cried

and

then i analysed every syllable

 

i don’t fully understand why it is so difficult for him to express his feelings

nor

do i understand why i have been involved with someone who starves me of this validation

for so long

i do need to hear that i am valued

loved

needed

wanted

something !

i need to hear whatever it is he feels about me.

 

and,yet i

” hang in there”

a phrase he uses often

so entice me to wait for any manner of things

 

now,

let me assure you

i am not a patient person

but

for him i wait

 

i have a ten minute rule

never let a man keep you waiting longer

it flew out the window the second i met the man

i’d cool my heels all week for him

 

i am pathetically grateful

for these morsels

of affection.

i crave evidence of my significance

 

i am so frustrated

with

both

of us

why can’t we just put an end to this ?

 

 

 

maybe you’ll run ….

Posted in dating, friendship, hope, love, romance, trust with tags , , , , on 21/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

withdrawal has taken approximately

 32 hours

i’m doing that crazy girl thing

of

going over everything he said

and

searching for significance

the bit that is really sticking

is

“i wish i had met you before my wife”

what does that mean ?

(don’t worry, he’s divorced)

i didn’t think that i still mattered

to him

it was easier to move on when i

thought

he didn’t want me

there was no going back

nothing to cling to

now, i know

i can still make him do that smile

and

fling his arm across his head in bed

i want to call him

and

ask him what that meant

but

that’s just insane

right ?

is he thinking about me

right now ?

does he wish i with him

is he fighting the urge to call me

how do i stop

when it’s so good ?