Archive for the hope Category

closer…let me whisper in your ear…

Posted in depression, friendship, hope, mental health, self harm, trust with tags , , , , , on 18/05/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i haven’t written for weeks.

the thought of writing about what i am feeling is overwhelming and sickeningly familiar.

there is always another wave waiting to engulf me

i feel like i am in danger being dragged out to sea.

an important friendship is over.

i had hoped something could be salvaged from the wreckage,

but my optimism proved to be in vain.

i know that i have to accept this

i must set the negative emotions adrift

&

hold tight to the lessons i have learned

it’s going to take time.

i’m not confident i have the energy to tread water for very long.

clichéd thought it is, my woes have come in a multiple of 3.

clearly,

one problem would be just too easy to negotiate.

which

once again,

leaves me in very troubled water.

health is not good.

my latest hospitalisation has churned up new issues.

i am preparing for another round of unpleasant tests & procedures.

some which i have already weathered

and

am under no illusions about just how repellant they are.

my final issue is unresolved

heartbreaking

entirely

out of my control.

i can’t even bear to consider the possible outcome.

i am floundering.

again.

in the words of far superior writer ,

i’m…

not waving,but drowning.

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therapy is speedie’s brand new drug…….

Posted in depression, family, hope, love, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , on 24/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

i see a psychologist and am undergoing cbt therapy. i have being in treatment for a significant amount of time and thus far my progress seems somewhat stunted.

 i have never really discussed much of my therapy on this blog.

 i don’t know why that is. i certainly find it useful.

i do try to put the things i learn there in to practice. i have trouble getting results.

 the theory is very clear.

 i find it difficult to impact on my actual feelings.

 intellectually, i embrace it

 emotionally, i am confounded.

 my psychologist would like to start working on my relationships more closely. we have obviously discussed the important people in my life before, but he thinks the impact of these relationship could withstand some closer inspection.

i think he is most probably correct.

i have a huge need to compensate the people i love for the trouble i cause them.

 i carry a huge guilt.

 it is not easy to have someone like me in your life.

 i am very aware of tha.

t i feel that ultimately, my problems are mostly my own fault

, i made bad decisions, i allowed people to treat me badly & i failed to deal with the results well.

 i know that i am to blame. i must therefore clean up my own mess.

 inconvenience, pain, worry, embarrassment of others is not acceptable.

 i have spent a lot of time trying to challenge these feelings, but i have never been convinced that i am wrong.

 i am at fault.

that is fact.

of course these beliefs effect how i behave towards family & friends.

 i am a burden and i am duty bound to lighten the load of knowing me

 or make up for that weight.

 as a result i often have difficulty saying no.

 i feel responsible for the people i live being safe & happy.

 i have an urge to make everything better for everyone.

 this can leave me open to be taking advantage of.

add to this my need to mother &  you have a potent mixture.

these are just some of the things i am going to be working on in therapy. i’m hoping for a breakthrough.

but we’re never gonna survive,unless we get a little crazy…….

Posted in ambition, depression, hope, identity crisis with tags , , , , , , on 09/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime
i used to have this passion burning inside me.

i believed in myself,

i knew i could achieve anything if i worked hard enough.

i wanted to change the world.

no,

more than that,

i believed i was changing the world,

that i was playing a small part in positive alteration.

i wrote

i danced

i worked

i loved

i studied

i sang

i marched

i lived.

i relished a challenge.

i was someone who had the answers.

when i thought of the future, i felt excitement bubble inside me.

i couldn’t wait to jump in.

i was so very sure that life would be good

and kind

and happy.

was that just naivety ?

i still want to change the world.

it just strikes me as a bit of stretch these days

i have yet to instigate meaningful changes in my own life,

the entire world seems a little out of reach.

i don’t understand where that girl went.

she was so robust.

i’d never have guessed that she’d fold.

i suppose she had to protect herself.

it seemed like the wisest thing at the time

anything in the name of self-preservation.

she had to shed some hope

and

build some barriers to survive.

now that she’s gone

i wonder if it was worth it.

the truth is,

i would give anything to be her again.

the problem is,

i don’t know if she exists anymore.

poem for allan

Posted in death, family, hope, love with tags , , , , on 18/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

Solid stone is just sand and water,
And a million years gone by.
 
Daily minutes are just special moments,
In the blink of an eye.
 
Precious souls
aren’t lost forever
with memories  & love
we can sustain each other.
 
Dark days are hard to suffer,
When  no one offers a why
But
Solid stone is just sand and water
And a million years gone by.

a change goin come…….

Posted in death, depression, family, hope, love, Uncategorized on 18/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

It’s been a hard year.

A very hard year.

I have barely made it through.

I’ve struggled with serious physical illness,

My ongoing depression,

Serious illness in family members,

Supporting my friend and her son through the end of an violent relationship,

My flat has been burgaled,

My brother lost his job due to the recession,

Those are just highlights (lowlights),

But

Last week something happened that has given me pause for thought.

My 28 yr old cousin died.

Suddenly

And for as yet unknown reasons.

It has been terribly sad

It has also prompted me to give thanks for all that i do have.

Shelter,food,friends,family,love,

LIFE

I hope allan is at peace.

I pray that his dad and brother will make it through this.

I am truely grateful for the opportunity each new day brings.

I sincerely hope that next year is more merciful than this.

I pledge to do everything within my power not to waste the gift i have been given.