Archive for the miscarriage Category

you took the life right out of me….

Posted in children, family, miscarriage, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 13/09/2014 by doyourememberthattime

yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my due date.
that sentence scares me.
in 14yrs my loss hasn’t become any less painful.
nor do i feel any less alone with it.

each year I try to put plans in place
distraction.
it makes no difference
it always consumes me.

i can’t stop myself from thinking of the landmarks i’ve missed
last night i lay in bed wondering what it would be like to have a teenager sleeping across the hall
would we constantly battling?
would he hate me?
&
need me simultaneously
could i have raised a responsible young man all by myself?
i really think i could.

i think about first words & first steps
playing him the music I love
watching him discover his own musical tastes.
i daydream of trips to parks
sleepovers
fights about how late he is allowed to stay out.

every year is another milestone i don’t experience
another memory i can’t cherish
there is a gaping hole in my life
no
there is a huge hole in me
and
it echoes in everything i do.

with the build up to each anniversary
i hope someone will remember
i want so desperately for someone else to care about my boy
to imagine how he would have enriched our lives
it would mean so much if someone other than me acknowledged his short, short life.
for anyone to want to remember him.

of course, no one does
and
i don’t have the strength to keep reminding people
it’s just another day to them
no one wants to talk about miscarriage
i don’t think my boy is real to them.

so, i usually spend the day alone
often drinking
crying
piecing together what might have been.

T
this year feels worse
i am running out of time
lately, having a baby has been a continuous preoccupation
i need to be mum
i am a mum
i don’t know if this wound can ever be healed
but
hearing a tiny little person call me mummy would start the process.

i can’t replace my darling boy
he’ll always be with me
but
my arms are empty
&
my heart is so full.

 

 

Beyoncé Heartbeat

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caught in a trap….

Posted in miscarriage with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 23/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

the cramps take me back to place I don’t want to go

this feels so horribly familiar

we’re alone

i’m so scared

i want everything to be ok

but

i already know nothing is ever going to be alright again

 

i’m trapped in memories

i can feel it all over again

 

something is going very wrong inside me

my beautiful new life is slipping away

the life that i have fallen in love with

i have no power

how do stop this from happening ?

i am not equipped to deal with this

there is no one to help me

 

i already feel so inadequate

i should have shielded you

you are my sole responsibility

i lost sight of that

i haven’t fought hard enough

i’m losing you

with every hot spasm

i know

you’re dying

 

the blood brings it all rushing back

 

all control is lost

if I could only halt this tide

perhaps your heart would keep beating

i want to protect you

someone please help me.

 

don’t tell me there is nothing you can do

don’t tell me its god’s plan

don’t tell me it’s over.

 

i need a miracle

i need someone to save us.

it’s alright ma, i’m only bleeding…..

Posted in depression, mental health, miscarriage, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 22/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i slept relatively well last night

woke up early in pain

i have my period

i rarely have periods

but

i find them very hard to cope with.

i miscarried 12 years ago

just writing that is frightening

how can it be that long ?

and

yet

bad cramps

still feel like the beginnings of that awful experience

i can’t stop the memories

i bleed heavily

which

also serves

as a painful reminder

i should be able to manage this by now

but

i struggle

 

so, i got up

failed to wash

or

dress

made some dry toast

and

considered my options

i could allow the sadness to drown me

cry

& feel like dying

or

i could cut.

 

5 hours later

i am still cutting

it has been ridiculously easy today

much more so than usual

and

 it’s hard to stop

my skin is like butter

the blade just slips through

quicker

and smoother

than it should

the pain hasn’t troubled me

shiny globes of fat slip out

as i remove my blade

the blood is mesmerizing

hot tracks

flowing into already coagulating pools

tiny red fountains

rise

and fall

spraying patterns on my clothes

 

there is no feeling

like your own blood

flooding over your skin

the immense calm

it brings

is intoxicating

 

i’ve written all this before

or words to this effect

it never ends

certainly not today

i have the next stage mapped out

i must execute those plans

then, perhaps

 

i can rest

beautiful, beautiful,beautiful boy …..

Posted in family, hope, miscarriage, motherhood, pregnancy with tags , , , , , , , on 13/09/2011 by doyourememberthattime

dear baby,

yesterday would have been your 11th birthday. i can hardly believe that is possible. i find myself wondering what we would be doing now. you would be starting secondary school. i can’t help think about which school that would be. i wonder if you would look like me. would you love your weird hippie mum or would i be an embarrassment. i wouldn’t mind either way. i’ll always love you. those are just a tiny sample of the millions of questions i have about you. i’m always imagining the life we didn’t get to live together. all the landmarks we’ve never reached and the everyday life we missed. 

i’m trying to learn how to remember you and still live this life that i have. i am trying to grieve for you. to feel sad, but not overwhelmed by your loss. i need you to know that i won’t ever leave you behind. you will always be part of my life. i will always be your mum. i hope i can find a way to cherish your short life and be at peace with you being gone. i want to live a better life. i’d like to be someone you can be proud of.

love always

mum

the first cut is the deepest ……..

Posted in miscarriage, self harm with tags , , , , , on 12/06/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i was 19 years old when i began to hurt myself

 

i didn’t recognise or consider it self harm at the at time.

 

i would have been familiar of the term

 

my mum worked in mental health

 

so, it’s something i would have been aware of

 

just not something i applied to myself.

 

i do not know my thought process the first time

 

i know i was in a lot of pain

 

i was stuck in an emtionally abusive relationship

 

i had just miscarried

 

my so called significant other wouldn’t even take me to the hospital when i began to bleed heavily

 

he went to the student union to play pool & have pint.

 

i think that gives a fairly good insight into our relationship.

 

i was trying so hard to be ok

 

i sat & passed my exams at uni.

 

i actually did really well

 

i tried to fool everyone that i was coping

 

i tried to hide how bad things were at home

 

i was working to pay all the bills

 

whilst he spent his money on drugs ,booze

 

and generally having fun

 

i loved him

 

i was addicted to him

 

my life revolved around him

 

i was trapped

 

because

 

i couldn’t leave him

 

&

 

he knew it.

 

he wouldn’t let me talk about our baby

 

he was glad he died

 

he didn’t want anything to do with pregnancy

 

the miscarriage was a huge relief for him.

 

everything was so wrong

 

i was so scared

 

heartbroken

 

alone

 

i can understand being desperate

 

i didn’t want to admit i’d failed

 

all those people who told me we were too young

 

or he wasn’t right for me

 

were correct

 

he was killing me

 

but

 

i had already lost so much

 

i would never hold my son

 

never kiss him goodnight

 

i had failed at the most important task i had ever been entrusted with.

 

i couldn’t keep him safe

 

i just couldn’t bear to lose anything else.

 

i clung on hoping things would change

 

hoping he might one day love me enough

 

or at all

 

i don’t know when the thought crept into my head

 

i don’t know how i knew it would soothe me

 

maybe i just wanted help

 

perhaps i thought he would see how much pain i was in

 

there is a chance i could have been punnishing myself.

 

i don’t know

 

i do know that once i started,

 

i couldn’t stop.

 

i had found something to get me through the days

 

it could be argued that self harm kept me alive

 

the only thing i know for sure is that i would give anything to know then what i know now.

 

i wish i had known where this would lead

 

i wish i knew what i would become.

snippets from my diary (aka i can’t get the thoughts out of my head in any coherent way)

Posted in depression, insomnia, love, miscarriage, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , on 23/03/2011 by doyourememberthattime

23rd dec 2006

still here, still fucked. still hacking away at myself. still hiding in sleep. still watching sad movies & reading sad books because it’s easier to cry about someone else. still craving the blood. still loving the sensation of it trickling down my arm, dripping off my fingers. still in awe of the pool it creates on the floor. still nothing to equal the wet, slippy, warmth of it. still no release like watching the red spring from my pale skin, following it’s bright path on my flesh, tracing it’s way to my finger tips. still need that sharp heat as the scalpel slices my skin, the pain as i scrub the blood from my body. still feel the fear every time i cut a little deeper & the satisfaction that follows. i still live in a world marked with my blood. bloody puddles in the carpets, red reservoir in the sink. still blood on every door handle, every light switch. my crimson hand print still visible on the bathroom wall. still indulging in the ritual,stockpiling the blades, collecting the blood soaked rags. still searching for something sharper.pushing for something deeper. still, desperate for more blood. still here, still fucked.

26th dec 2006

i feel blue.i feel it welling up inside me. i know soon i’m going to be overflowing with emotion. the room will be flooded with bleakness & i’ll be drowned. i want to cry. i can taste the tears in the back of my throat.my heart feels bigger. like it’s swollen with sadness. i don’t know why i feel this way.i’m fairly certain  could reduce the swelling with my scalpel. just writing the words has started the buzz in my stomach. my body’s gearing up for carnage. this isn’t just in my mind. i want this from the pit of my stomach. what kind of crazy does that make me ?

19th feb 2007

cutting instead of sleeping again.been working on my arms for about an hour. i’m not sure if i can stop yet. watching the wounds fill with blood is soothing me. waiting for it to spill over & run down my arm. i used to watch raindrops on windows do the same when i was a wee girl. i liked it then too. there is something very wrong with me. earlier i looked out the window while i smoked a cigarette. i stood there trying to identify what i feel. searching for a name for this emotion. what i noticed was that all the other houses i could see were asleep. curtains closed, no lights. the street is quiet.i couldn’t help, but think of all the people in those houses and in all the houses in all the streets. they’re all sleeping peacefully. sunday night, alarm set for work in the morning. just sleeping. not staring out a window tearing through their minds. not sitting in bed tearing through their skin. why is it that they can manage it & i can’t? where did things go so wrong for me ? i read a trashy sunday paper that my brother’s friend left. britney has shaved her head. the tabloid’s view on why ? she is having a mental breakdown. she’s a fucking nutter. all she did was shave her hair off! can you imagine what headline they’d write about me ? if anyone actually cared to write about my life.i’m listening to “everybody’s gotta learn sometime” by beck. i love this song, it’s beautiful. it was in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it’s one of my favourite films. the premise of it is that you can have your memory wiped. so this couple end up having their memories of their relationship wiped. problem is they meet & fall in love all over again. i love that film. i love that they can’t wipe out the love. as much as i love it, it just reinforces what i know is true anyway. i can’t change what i am. even if i could do it all over again, i’d make the mistakes. i’d wind up right back here . i’d still be spilling out my thoughts on a computer screen in the middle of night. i’d still be spilling my blood. now once you know that, where do you go ? i have no idea how i fix this. i don’t even know where to start. i know i can’t stop right now. that doesn’t scare me so much as the realisation that i don’t think i want too. i try to imagine a time when i won’t need to this. all the things i’d need to stop seem impossible. i’ve lost my ability to trust that things will be ok. not everyone gets a happy ending. some of us are miserable. some of die without fulfilling our dreams. some of us sit up all night trying to bleed out their problems. some of us are fucking crazy. 
  ” & i cherish the revolting thought,

that even if i quit

there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop.. ”

13th april 2008


the more i talk to the pysch the more i’m realising i used to be a different person. i liked that person and i can’t quite believe what i’ve become. almost every topic we discuss results in me admitting i feel giulty.always guilty. guilty for letting everyone down.guilty for letting myself down. i failed at the most important task ever given to me. i’ve just kept on failing ever since. i don’t trust myself not to fail.
it’s been so long, but i am still so angry.i blame him doing this to me. i blame me more for letting him. she gasped as i recounted the whole story. how could anyone behave that way and why did i let him ? he took the most important thing in the world from me.i could never prove it was his fault, but i feel it, i know it. i can’t ever forgive him. it’s why i’m alone. i can’t risk anyone being that important again. i can’t trust anyone not to shatter me again. i can’t trust myself not fail. not to forget who i am and risk things that should be protected at all costs. i should have been stronger. i should be stronger now.
i don’t know how to stop hurting. stop missing what i never had. stop feeling guilty about all things i am not.
what i want most in the world is to fall in love and have a family. i don’t know if i can ever have the courage to really try again.how could i trust him not to let me down and how could i trust me not to let us all down ?

blood on my hands to stay strong….

Posted in depression, family, miscarriage, pregnancy, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 22/12/2010 by doyourememberthattime

My friend is 6wks pregnant.

She told me tonight.

She has been trying for a while & i am happy for her.

I’m excited.

I want that to be the full extent  of how i feel,

 

But it never is.

 

I’ve been through this quite a few times now.

And it’s always the same.

Happy for them and so very sad for me.

 

Everytime, i wonder, when will it be me ?

Everytime ,i hate myself for being so selfish.

Everytime, i feel this gaping hole at the centre of me

 

I’m losing hope that i will ever be able to fill it.

 

I feel an actual physical pain.

I yearn for all the memories i never got to make

All the tears and smiles i’ve missed.

My heart breaks that my boy never got the chance to call me mummy

I am terrified that no one will ever call me mummy.

 

I feel so incredibly lonely.

i know it’s not the answer

but

the only respite i know is in self destruction

i bleed to survive.

I’ll cut this sadness out.