Archive for the self destruction Category

set me free, why don’t you ?

Posted in depression, mental health, self destruction with tags , , , , , , , on 30/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i managed 19 days without cutting

before i gave in

we discussed the difficulties of this is in therapy

and

i talked a lot about the strongest force

pulling me towards self harm.

 

blood

 

i’ve always known that blood was a huge part of self harm for me

but

a new dimension has been growing

and

i’ve been scared to give voice to it

 

i am not comfortable with the transfusion blood

i want it out

i feel there is too much blood flowing through my veins

the numbers scare me

i find the idea of a healthy haemoglobin

unnatural

i am terrified to discover the results of my next blood test

all these days going by

with no blood loss

makes me feel sick

all those strong new blood cells

will

be generating more

it is horrifying

 

i need to get it out

i need to maintain levels

that won’t cause me constant worry

i do not fully understand why i feel this way

but

it’s compelling

 

i can’t leave my body to it’s own devices

i must take charge

and

expell this oxygenated intruder.

 

there are so many aspects of this

too many competing voices

i can’t appease them all

there will be unpleasantness whichever side i choose

 

the only solution

is to

remove the blood

&

release myself.

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try to comprehend that which you’ll never comprehend…..

Posted in depression, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 20/03/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i had another little crisis

despite transfusion in late december,

haemoglobin had again dropped to 7.6

causing doctor’s to get jumpy

&

start talking about another transfusion

this set me off in a panic

i do not like having blood transfusions

i feel very guilty

other people are more deserving of this blood

that someone selflessly donated

i know i will waste it

i know i will feel horrendous with it inside me

i do not want it.

i don’t really have the option of

saying

no

they will call in a psych consult

which could lead down a road

i can’t

even

think about

my first stupid reaction

is

i must cut

whilst the dr’s decide

i will blood let

i know it doesn’t make sense

to most

but

there is method in the madness

my hb is already low

i may as well be hung for sheep as a lamb

i will hate myself less for shedding my own blood

if i lose enough blood

do enough damage

i may feel sated for a while

with this in mind i set to work

after two disappointing nights

of

slicing

&

producing inadequate wounds

i got angry

with myself

on the third day,

the gp called to say the decided to go with

an iron infusionth e following week

i considered myself free

to

paint the town RED

i felt it couldn’t be that bad

if i didn’t need a transfusion

i had still better fit in as much damage

before treatment

&

truthfully

after two pitiful nights

i needed it

so,

feeling enraged with myself

i set to work

i chose a spot on my slightly less scarred right forearm

i cut vertically

downwards

towards my wrist

everytime i reached a depth i could live with

i elongated the cut

&

started to work down into it again

i got into the most dangerous mindset

where

i can just can’t resist

a little

bit

more

i ploughed through the layers of my flesh

fascinated

with what lay beneath

i watched three distinct fountains of blood

flow into one

sticky

hot

pool

i pulled the wound apart to make the blood spurt higher

i sawed through

some

tough,unknown inner material

and

thrilled

as the spray soared out

and hit my face

when i was finished

i watched

for

i don’t know how long

long enough to become dazed

i had created a a gaping trench

the entire length of my foream

that continuosly filled with blood

and

spilled over the top

i could not stop the blood

nor, could i think straight

i wrapped a towel around my arm

put a huge jumper on top

and

took the bus

yes

the bus

to a&e

i trailed blood into reception

& collapsed in the triage room

i was so ashamed

dreaded trying to explain myself

lay in a cubicle

crying

i had done this many times before

but somehow

i couldn’t control my fear or self loathing.

i received 21 stitches

a transfusion

and

 was hospitlised again for three days

the following week

requiring

another

two units

&

suffering from severe pain

i spent those 3 days in & out of a morphine

induced altered reality

student dr’s were too scared to take blood from my arms

apparently experience is required

to find a vein in this network of scar tissue

the consultant was overly kind

fellow patients

stared & whispered

i lay there in

shame

pain

fear

all of which added up to

another attempt

to stop

11 days

and counting……

a study in scarlett

Posted in dating, depression, insomnia, mental health, self destruction, self harm, therapy with tags , , , , , , on 29/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

it’s been a bad day

i’ve been attempting to analyse why

what tips me over into my worst days ?

 

 

i’ve been really nauseous

never helps

stomach has been cramping

chest is very heavy

and my back has been aching

so, i don’t feel good

 

i had some unpleasant words with my sister on sunday

they’re lingering

i didn’t hear from the man

at all

yesterday

that’s festering

money (lack of) is a concern

the huge gnawing kind.

i suppose those things might upset anyone.

 

i fainted

nothing new

but

i really hurt myself

hip & shoulder are now extremely painful

i ruined my glasses

they’re all buckled & scratched

plus

when i came round

i was outside my front door

and

i still have no idea what i was doing there

the confusion

frightens me a little

oh

and i can’t afford new glasses

again, reasons to be out of sorts.

 

i still haven’t heard from the man properly

a few frustrating texts

a bundle of tears

and

i’m angry with myself for getting into this situation.

which

sets me on a negative thought path

i make poor decisions

i am to blame for my place in life

if i was

stronger

smarter

fitter

more selfless

less lazy

i could get on top of this mess

 

but

i’m not

and

i don’t

 

instead, i begin to think i should self harm

i haven’t cut in 6 days

which

is probably part of why i feel so low

i promise myself it doesn’t have to be big

just a little release

a little blood

 

you know the score

you know where that leads

 

i do too,

but it doesn’t stop me.

it’s alright ma, i’m only bleeding…..

Posted in depression, mental health, miscarriage, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , on 22/02/2012 by doyourememberthattime

i slept relatively well last night

woke up early in pain

i have my period

i rarely have periods

but

i find them very hard to cope with.

i miscarried 12 years ago

just writing that is frightening

how can it be that long ?

and

yet

bad cramps

still feel like the beginnings of that awful experience

i can’t stop the memories

i bleed heavily

which

also serves

as a painful reminder

i should be able to manage this by now

but

i struggle

 

so, i got up

failed to wash

or

dress

made some dry toast

and

considered my options

i could allow the sadness to drown me

cry

& feel like dying

or

i could cut.

 

5 hours later

i am still cutting

it has been ridiculously easy today

much more so than usual

and

 it’s hard to stop

my skin is like butter

the blade just slips through

quicker

and smoother

than it should

the pain hasn’t troubled me

shiny globes of fat slip out

as i remove my blade

the blood is mesmerizing

hot tracks

flowing into already coagulating pools

tiny red fountains

rise

and fall

spraying patterns on my clothes

 

there is no feeling

like your own blood

flooding over your skin

the immense calm

it brings

is intoxicating

 

i’ve written all this before

or words to this effect

it never ends

certainly not today

i have the next stage mapped out

i must execute those plans

then, perhaps

 

i can rest

tomorrow never knows…..

Posted in death, depression, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , on 23/09/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

tonight,

 

i am focused on an arc of light a torch casts on my stomach

 

as i cut through fatty tissue

 

i am painfully aware

 

that

 

it is not helping

 

i am weary

 

fed up with myself

 

i do the same stupid things

 

over

 

and

 

over

 

still i am faced with the brutal fact

 

that

 

tomorrow will be same

my heart is soaked in wine….

Posted in death, depression, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , on 08/09/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i found the perfect spot.

 

 stumbled upon it

 

i didn’t have to cut very deep

 

before

 

this first vein popped.

 

 

a little of fountain of blood appeared

 

so warm

 

&

 

comforting.

 

 

it soaked through the face cloth i had placed on top of it

 

in seconds

 

so,

 

i just let it bleed.

 

 

i stood in my hall

 

and

 

watched the blood run down my arm

 

splash onto the floor

 

 

the flow slowed

 

i had to cut again

 

just a little further

 

lay

 

another bulging vein

 

 

it put up a tad more resistance,

 

but

 

it’s intial spurt was worth the effort

 

as the blood continued to pour from my body

 

i felt calm

 

 

i watched it pool on the floor

 

i felt detached

 

it didn’t seem real

 

but

 

it was

 

 

i repeated as needed

 

i’d found a rich pocket of blood

 

and

 

i mined it

 

 

blood soaked my clothes

 

fell onto my feet

 

spattered all over the floor

 

i left blood trails

 

as

 

i moved around the house

 

 

i was dazed

 

removed from the misery

 

and

 

uncertainty i had been feeling

 

 

i was amazed at how easy it was

 

i watched in awe as the blood jet grew

 

pumped faster

 

it was the most at peace i had been in such a long time.

 

 

the simplicity of it shocked me

 

and

 

scared me a little

 

i had discovered a tap

 

i can turn it on whenever i want.

 

 

i must have passed out.

 

i came round on the hall floor

 

with blood on my face

 

in my hair

 

 

i dressed the wound,

 

which wasn’t big

 

and went to bed

 

i didn’t worry if it would cease

 

or

 

if i would be alright

 

and

 

yet

 

i do not want to die

 

 

when it comes to blood

 

i don’t know when to stop

 

i am never sated

 

 

i haven’t cleaned the hall floor

 

i’m not sure if it’s a warning to myself

 

or

 

a trophy.

 

 

i’m not sure of very much anymore.

hey baby, can you bleed like me ? ……..

Posted in depression, insomnia, mental health, self destruction, self harm with tags , , , , , , , on 25/08/2011 by doyourememberthattime

 

i have a white screen

 

a flashing cursor

 

and

 

no words.

 

 

my mind is blank

 

bar

 

thoughts of a red intervention.

 

 

i have 16 chalky aspirin

 

and

 

a tall, clear glass of water.

 

 

i intend to refresh my weary head

 

with

 

sprays & pulses of dark,dark blood.

 

 

i must bathe my fears

 

in

 

a warm crimson tide.

 

 

when my troubles are let

 

i shall swallow a pretty blue pill

 

and

 

drift into untroubled sleep.